Holidays

It's only December 2nd and I am wiped out. Depleted, Exhausted, Run Down. November was a crazy month for me. I had family staying with us, I cooked & hosted two birthday dinners and Thanksgiving. You know what I learned in that crazy month of November?

Hospitality is not my gift. Nope, not at all. No way jose.  

Ok I already knew that, let's say I re-learned it. Hosting people, parties, holidays, etc stresses me out. When I'm asked why I do not throw big parties for my boys for their birthdays, my answer is always the same "I do not like it".  It turns me into a crazed control freak and makes me snappy ... and mean. I do also not like to cook for a lot of people. I can cook, but I am slow in the kitchen. So much pressure to have dinner ready at a certain time for others. When my husband's family stayed with us, I don't think I stopped cleaning the kitchen table & countertops.  When almost everyone got sick, my stress level rose & I ditched my 'it's green' cleaner (a gal can try) and grabbed the Clorox and bleach. Cleaning = control. If I can keep the kitchen clean, I'm in control. If I can make sure that the floor is crumb free & we are not crunching things beneath our feet, I'm in control.  Toys contained in the play area - check, we are not tripping over things, I'm in control.  It is hard for me when I have family staying with us. I love them and love spending time with them, but I do not relax. I think I spent one evening relaxing with the family & enjoying their company.  Just one.  {and let's face it, it also does not help that I had PMS and cried over the most ridiculous things like having someone else eat the leftovers I was planning on eating for lunch one day ... }

Ladies, do you know who I became? Say it out loud if you know it - I became Martha.  Now maybe Martha's gift was hospitality, I don't know, but I do know that she grumbled and complained.  Just as I did (probably more than Martha).  Just as she did not take the time to enjoy being with Jesus, I did not take the time to enjoy being with the people around me.  You can bet that if I was not relaxing and enjoying the people around me, I was not enjoying time with Jesus.  My time with Jesus was desperate pleas saying "I know I'm being this way, I know I need You to not be this way".  See the problem? I was not actually taking the time to be with Jesus & working on not being a crazed control freak. I just hurriedly prayed it as I moved on to the next thing.  

As I look towards the month of December, with one birthday dinner to go (and you can bet I'm not having Christmas at my house!), the advent season with all the activities to do with your children and those "perfect" Christmas decorations, I am learning from November.  {This is me, telling myself this and you, if you need to hear it} Slow it down. Enjoy. Relax. Spend time with Jesus, spend time with family and friends.  Have a nothing day and let some of the not so important rules slide. Be present with your children instead of running around making sure everything looks perfect or that the gifts are bought early and wrapped under the Christmas tree that may or may not be slightly titled that no one notices but you.  

I love this prayer I read from Martha Bailey's post - Holiday Martyr

Dear Father, only You and other women can understand the stress I feel during the holidays. I confess that some of it is self-induced because I have succumbed to culture’s view of Thanksgiving and Christmas instead of the real reason why I celebrate. May this holiday season not be defined by my meltdowns but by my ability to know and choose what is important.  Give me a friend who will help me know when I am being unrealistic in my aspirations. I don’t want to be a Holiday Martyr.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen. 

"Give me a friend who will help me know when I am being unrealistic in my aspirations."

Can we do that for each other this season?  Let's be the friend who says "it's all good. Your attempt to bake cookies failed when your little one dumped cinnamon all over the floor and your oldest one tried to turn on the mixer, sending cookie dough flying everywhere. It's okay. I'll laugh and cry with you over a cup of coffee (or a glass of wine).  The holidays are not about perfectly baked cookies made by perfectly behaved children. It's about loving Jesus, being thankful for Him and what He's done for us, and loving our family and friends, to the best of our ability".

Take What You Need

The theme of the women's retreat this year was Take What You Need.  Rest, Hope, Peace, Love, Faith, Strength, and so forth.  One of the challenges was "what do you need?" or "What do you think you need, but Jesus is telling you that you need something else?".

I stepped out of my comfort zone in attending the retreat. I also put walls up so I would just have a good time and not be emotional. "I'm good, I don't really need anything. Just time with friends & away from my chaotic life at home". One of the things I love about our Heavenly Father is that He meets you right where you are, no matter how determined you are to not be affected.  We had three great speakers and a wonderful worship leader.  Each speech left me convicted and determined, each song touched my heart.  By the end of the retreat, God met me & broke down my walls so I could truly receive what He wanted to teach me.

Amie did a great job of summing up the speeches we heard over the weekend on her blog.

Lindsay (Willmer) gave some great illustrations that were super helpful because I am a visual learner. It's easy for me to tune someone out accidentally and start thinking about something totally unrelated like something interesting someone else said earlier that day. It really helps me focus when speakers have pictures and props. 

Lindsay's theme was "let go and let God." She brought a bunch of stones and written on the stones were things that steal our focus from Jesus like fear, worry, money, relationships, to do lists, loneliness, housework, job stuff etc. She piled them in the hands of one volunteer. 

Use your imagination and picture those things written on these stones =)

She could barely hold them all. Then in another volunteer's hands, she placed just one stone and written on it was "Jesus." There is no room for Him when our hands are filled with all of those other stones. 

She had great suggestions to get rid of the "stones" that continued to steal our focus like placing verses in our pockets that we could look at throughout the day when we feel one of those other stones creeping up and taking over our thoughts. Also, simply saying to ourselves, "That thought is not from God, that's me talking" when we start thinking thoughts that are not healthy and really not helpful. She shared the example most moms can relate to. Having a pity party can really be distracting but so easy to do because as moms, we have so much to do and it never ends and we feel defeated and discouraged so much of the time.

But really taking charge of our thoughts and ending the damaging ones before they get the best of us is really the key. And obviously, it isn't something that happens overnight but eventually we will get better at putting those stones down and just holding onto the one that matters.

Lindsay also used this verse a few times to remind us that God intends so much more for our lives than pity parties and distracting stones. "I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." John 10:10. God has big plans for us but we have to "Yield and relinquish fully to God and rely on His power." (from Lindsay's notes)

The next speaker was Shelly (Schaller). Shelly gave me the best spiritual metaphor. Christ is our anchor. An anchor can be used in calm or rough waters. It is used in storms to keep the boat from capsizing. It is used in the harbor to keep the boat from drifting. 

After hearing from both ladies, it was hard to pinpoint exactly what was distracting me from being a one stone girl and keeping myself anchored to Christ.

To read more from Amie's post go to Stones & Anchors.  

What Amie (and I, as well) did was to write down the distractions in our lives and all the stones that we kept trying to hold onto.  For me, it was freeing in a way to see these thoughts written down and realizing what I was holding onto.  It enabled me to pray over it and lift all those distractions up to God. 

Another speaker this weekend was Barbara (Alley) who spoke on devotional/quiet time. Do you know how refreshing it is to hear "do your quiet time when you can, any time of the day".  I loved it! For years I felt guilty because I did not do well at getting up early in the morning & spending time with Jesus. It got worse when I had children because I would get so frustrated with the constant interruptions, because no matter what time I tried to get up in the morning my children decided to wake up at that time too!  I also loved hearing all the different ways and times women had their quiet times with Jesus. Life gets busy and guilt over not making that time to be with Jesus can overwhelm us.  I know that's the case for me. One of the ways I worship is just singing (in my head, sometimes out loud if no one is around) whatever song God has placed on my heart.  For someone who talks up a storm, I am not so good at talking up a storm to God. I tend to have very quick short prayers, but songs - man, I can sing the same song (or portion of a song) constantly as long as it's on my heart.  Quiet time is communicating with our Heavenly Father, however we do it, whenever we do it. 

When I started writing this blog, this stanza (line, verse?) was resonating. 

So take me as you find me 

All my fears and failures

Fill my life again

Take my stones. Instill in me again and again who I am in Christ. Let my thoughts be Your thoughts and not the thoughts of others. Be my anchor. Meet me where I am.  Fill my life again.

Leadership Team/Mentor Moms

Hi ladies! For those of you who are unable to attend GUM (overseas) or did not make it to the first meeting, here is the flyer that was passed out.

Elizabeth Gregorich

I have two boys.  Levi is 4 years, Silas is 21 months and baby # 3 due in January. GUM is a place I can be real about being a not so perfect mom, laugh about the funny things and pray about the tough things. I am encouraged in the role God has given me and blessed to share with other moms too.  I love being a wife and mom. I stay home with my boys.  I love this church and learning more about the Lord from His Word and fellowship with others. Sometimes I have to force myself to talk, because I’d much rather listen.  My husband makes me laugh.  He can be a goof sometimes. My children make me laugh.  When other people laugh really hard, it’s hard not to laugh with them.

Mari Higerd  

 I have 1 husband, Gabe, and 3 girls, Caroline (6) Annabelle (5) and Grace (3) with one baby on the way due in February! I've been part of a MOPS/moms group/GUM since Caroline was a baby and would intentionally throw up each time I dropped her off - true story. GUM has been my hands down favorite. I don't think I would have survived these 6 years of motherhood without the understanding ears, laughter, and good food :) I love all the moms in GUM and can't wait to get to know everyone even more. I can't remember what I used to do in my free time, but I'm a football fan (Go APU!) and a thrift store shopper.

Manda Robinson 

  

I have one child, Ezra, who is 2 ½ with baby #2 due in Nov.  GUM (for me) is a place that I can vent my insecurities about motherhood and get prayer and encouragement for them.  I love working part time as a Physician Assistant and balancing that with being a mom/wife.  I enjoy art (other people’s, not my own), organizing, baking cupcakes, and trying new things. Things that make me laugh are puns and my son’s dancing. 

Stacy Thompson 

I have two boys.  Jordan is 4 ½ years and Lucas is 22 months. GUM is where I am able to share the good, the bad & the ugly, and to know that I am not alone in this journey of motherhood.  It is a place of safety, honesty, advice, laughter, love, encouragement, and prayer.  I am thankful that we have mentor moms who have traveled this path before us & can guide us, listen to us and tell us “it may not seem like it now, but you’ll make it through the hard times”.  I love to read, get together with friends and family, go for walks, and bake.  My husband and my boys make me laugh every day.                  

                       

Amie Wagenbrenner 

I have two girls.  Mya is 4 years and Winter is 2½ years.  GUM keeps me sane.  When I get home from a morning with other moms, I feel refreshed and recharged.  It also helps me remember that I cannot do it on my own. I need Jesus.  I love to be around people. I hate staying at home which doesn’t make me a very good stay at home mom J I adore my girls and I feel so blessed to have married such an amazing man. I’m pretty easy going unless I’m driving or my house is a mess.  I love to sing and dance and I’m into health and fitness.  I’m a bit of a perfectionist.  I’m fairly neat and I don’t like knick knacks or chotchkies that clutter my house probably because I grew up in a super messy small home.  I tend to like sarcastic humor and burps and farts have always amused me.

Aileen Jones 

I have been married to my very funny husband for 36 years.  I have a son, 26 & a daughter 30, & a very new son-in-law,29!  GUM is my very favorite ministry.  I love everything about it, and often feel I get more out of it than the mamas! I am a mid-50's woman who loves God, my family and travel!  I am fascinated by people and love getting to know new people I meet!  I also enjoy gardening, exercise, baking and reading.  

Cindy Kinnoin

I have been married to my husband, Carl, for 28 years. We have three children: Jill, who is 25 and lives in Santa Rosa, Laura, who is 23 and is earning her teaching credential at Cal Poly and Zack, who is 20 and is a junior at Cal Poly Pomona. I attended a mom's group when my children were preschoolers. I couldn't wait to go. When I left the house, I didn't walk, I ran to moms! I needed the love, encouragement and community of other moms going through the same things I was. It was such a blessing and a lifeline for me. I am so looking forward to being a GUM mom mentor this year. I like to travel, garden, decorate and hang out with my twelve-year-old Boston Terrier, Chessie.

Kathie Speck

I have been married to Dave for 32 years.  We have two children.  Our daughter, Stacy (30), is married to David and has two children, Jordan and Lucas.  Our son, Kevin (28),  is married to Kristen.  Stacy and David attend COD and Kevin and Kristen attend Grace Church of Glendora.  I love to read and ride my horse, Comanche! I feel so privileged to be a mentor mom for GUM.  Being a mom of a pre-schooler can be both an amazing joy and overwhelming.  To see young mom’s interact with each other and to strengthen their walk with the Lord is a blessing.  Watching them laugh, cry, pray and draw                                                       closer together is a gift God has gives to us “old women”  Feeling                                                             blessed!

How Do You Do It?

If you have not read this post - read it. Go ahead, I'll wait. 

http://www.shortstopblog.com/2013/08/to-moms-of-one-or-two-children.html

What did you think? It was a breath of fresh air to me.  There are days when I feel overwhelmed and think to myself "Moms of multiple children {and by that I mean more than 2}, you are amazing". Moms of one and two, you are amazing too! As someone who wonders if I will ever get a handle on being a mom to two and {ouch} being told that I really can only handle two, this blog post truly spoke to me. My favorite line, the one that convicted me?

You know, I needed God when I had one and two children. But, I had all of this stuff - books and gear and Grannies and know-it-all voices and I had me. 

I have so often found that when I rely on myself ... things collapse around me. I measure myself by impossibly high standards, standards that I have imposed on myself.  It does not help when my failures are pointed out to me or when I get dirty looks in the grocery store because my child is having a tantrum.  

I can not tell you how many times I have walked out of a store or left a park because my child is simply not listening and then throws a tantrum when he is disciplined. Embarrassment turns to anger and anger turns to me reacting more harshly than needed.  There have been times I drove away with him screaming & kicking in the backseat with tears streaming down my face.  

I had me. I looked at my screaming tantrum throwing child and measured my worth of a mother by his behavior.  I looked at the toys scattered around my house and the dishes in the sink and I measured myself by the state of my house. I had me. My high standards and my doing.  

I need Him to help me trade my doing for His doing. 

I need His patience. 
I need His joy.
I need His love.

I love what she wrote above.  This needs to be read daily. I want to write it on a post it & stick it to my children's foreheads {only b/c I cannot read it if it's on my own forehead!} so that when I look at them and get frustrated or exasperated because I have me ... I am reminded. 

I need Him to help me trade my doing for His doing. 

Being a mother is not easy. It is hard no matter how many you have, no matter how experienced you are.  We cannot do it on our own.  We need God. We need each other. 

Stuck In The Doldrums

Tomorrow it will have been seven weeks since my oldest fell out of a second story hotel window.  We spent four weeks "taking it easy" at home.  Before he fell, he had preschool three mornings a week, church, AWANA, soccer and play dates.  I went from having a schedule to keep my very active child busy & burning off energy to ... nothing.  My days turned into full days at home with both boys, finding myself saying 'no' far more than I would have liked, and racking my brain to come up with creative ways to keep my oldest entertained while being limited in what he could do.  Throw a few other things in the mix and it wasn't long before I became stuck in the doldrums - a dull, listless, depressed mood; low spirits.

Have you ever felt this way? It's not something we talk about as mothers.  When we are out & about, we put on that 'mask' that everything is just fine! Oh sure, I said I was tired and things were not easy, but we're doing fine!  It took some time before I realized that I was stuck in the doldrums and I was not fine.  It frustrated me that I felt this way. I had just seen, once again, what an awesome & mighty God we have! I should be feeling elated, joyful, thankful, blessed. Instead I felt overwhelmed, exhausted, mentally, spiritually and physically depleted. My daily prayer was "Please let me get through today without shutting down.  Just give me the strength to do the dishes.  Do just one small load of laundry."  I would get the boys fed, clothed, etc, but the rest of it ... I felt so overwhelmed that even one small task was daunting.

Jen Hatmaker wrote this:

Here is the bummer about the doldrums: the very efforts needed to lift out are the same things you’ve lost energy for. The simplest remedies feel like weights drudged up from the bottom of the ocean. Your mind knows to do them, but your will refuses to cooperate. Which makes your mind furious and mired in shame, which makes your will dig its heels and wallow, which makes you realize you are turning on yourself, you are your own worst enemy. No one can oppress me like myself.

I am still working through it. Some days are better than others. There are days I sink right back into it and I am overwhelmed by everything.  I am learning to give myself grace and to know that this takes time.  It was so easy to cling to Christ when I was in crisis mode and with all that was going on, He was in control.  It's the big things that are somehow easier isn't it? The little things, like the aftermath of that big crisis, those are when it can become hard to keep pressing forward and holding fast to that promise that Jesus is with us. 

Christ suffered for us. He is suffering with us. Whether we deem it big or small, it is not for us to compare our suffering to others.  That takes our focus off of Christ and onto ourselves, it minimizes what He is working on in our hearts and our lives.  

In Christ alone my hope is found,

He is my light, my strength, my song;

this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,

firm through the fiercest drought and storm.

What heights of love, what depths of peace,

when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!

My Comforter, my All in All,

here in the love of Christ I stand.

Happy Mother's Day!

May 24, 2010

I was watching the movie Motherhood yesterday and in the movie, the mom has a chance to submit an essay on what motherhood means to her. This got me thinking, especially as I watched Jordan and thought about what it meant to be his mother. What does motherhood mean to me? Keep in mind, that my life as a mother has only been in existence for 14 1/2 months :)

Motherhood is complex and full of emotions. Motherhood is something that you will never fully understand yet at the same time, you will embrace it completely without hesitation. The fears you had before your child was born is replaced by the fears you have as your child grows into their own. You learn to step back and watch as the child you love so dearly learns to do things on their own, even when it means watching them step off the curb and face plant onto the asphalt parking lot (true story, happened today). Motherhood is full of joy and laughter, tears and heartache. The tears in the beginning when you felt so overwhelmed and unsure of how to take care of this precious little one that is utterly dependent on you. The joy in being a mother, when others delight in your child. The laughter that bubbles over when your child laughs with you, for a child's laughter is the most beautiful sound. The heartache in knowing that no matter how much you try, you cannot always protect them from being hurt. 

It's when a chubby little hand reaches for yours, in complete faith that you will guide them in the right way, and be by their side as they learn to navigate the world on their own. 

Motherhood means days where you just want to get in the car, drive who knows where , turn the windows down and blast some music. Then there are days when your little one squeals in delight when they see you and comes running into your arms to give you a hug. The smile on their face makes up for the days of teething, sleepless nights, spilled cups on the floor, tripping on toys everywhere you step, and massively poopy diapers.

Motherhood is a journey - it's not easy but it is by far the most rewarding journey I've ever partaken in.

     

New Year, One Word

When someone asks me about my New Years resolutions, I cringe.  Hemming & hawing, I half heartedly come up with the typical ones. Lose weight, eat healthier, wake up early & have quiet time, spend more time with my boys, blah blah blah.

One morning in late December I was reading a devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries.  As I read it, I felt like it was written specifically for me.  Did this lady know me & how I work? It felt like I could have written this devotional.  (Looking Around)

"the crux of my problem was waiting for everything to be perfect before I moved forward. If I didn't feel I could do something "right," I often didn't do it at all. If I couldn't control each move, or the outcome, I waited rather than began. And that meant a lot of things sat either un-started or unfinished."

When I was done reading the devotional, I scrolled down to learn more about the author.  I came across this:

Lose the long list of resolutions — all your sweeping promises to change — and do something about one thing this year instead of nothing about everything. In Rachel Olsen's newest book, My One Word, she and co-author Mike Ashcroft lead you in choosing just one word that represents what you most hope God will do in you, and focus on it for an entire year.

I had stopped making resolutions because I did just that - "nothing about everything".  There were many un-started or unfinished projects because I was waiting for things to be perfect. I lack confidence in my ability to do things & do them well, and many times I refuse to do or try anything. I (unwisely) measure myself against others (friendships, motherhood, personality, etc) and fall short every time. I focus on my weaknesses and not my strengths. This results in a lot of wasted time.

Inspired by picking one word instead of making resolutions, I went to the My One Word website & read the three steps to choosing one word.  I spent a few weeks thinking over the devotional & what my one word could be. Mostly, I prayed for God to search me & know me, to show me what I needed to focus on this year. 

"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts" 

 Psalm 139:23

The word that God has put upon my heart is INTENTIONAL.  Intentional means done with intention. Intention means a determination to act in a certain way. I pray that God will teach me to find and acknowledge my strengths, to use them for His glory.  A prayer I have had for many years, that has yet to be completely answered, is to think before I speak! Many times when I am uncomfortable in a situation I just start rambling.  I want to be intentional in my speech, my thoughts, my actions. Live a life that is intentional(ly) pleasing to God in all areas.

In addition to picking a word, I also picked a verse to go with the word intentional.

"Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress"

1 Timothy 4:15

As I end this post, I leave you with a question:

What is your one word for this year? 

I would love for you to comment and tell me your one word!