I knew that it was not just about physically resting. I knew there was more to it, but I admit that is what I was focusing on. My sister in law put it in perspective for me:
"sometimes 'rest' is not the same as doing nothing. or having free time. It's more like a state of being. Finding ways to nourish your soul or being purposeful about the things you do do, so that you are not so spread out that you are not able to find rest in the middle of it all".
One of the first steps I took to work on "faith to rest" was to start journaling again. I have not done it since my college years and I forgot how much I enjoy journaling. It should not have been a surprise since I have always been able to express myself best through writing. Journaling is very raw, emotional and open for me - it forces me to deal with things I would much rather not deal with. When I am praying (not journaling), it is easy for me to shift focus and not think about the things God places on my heart. When I journal, I cannot 'escape' that easily.
A couple months ago I began to feel discontent and weary. For months my husband and I had talked about the possibility of having a third child. He said yes, I said "NO". Over time I would think one day "yes I'd love another" and other days {especially the hard days} "hahahaha ... another? yeah right! I can barely handle these two crazy boys that drive me up the wall". We came to a point where we said "okay, we'll stop using birth control and see what happens". To my surprise (yes, I was truly surprised) I got pregnant almost immediately. I full on hit panic mode. No way, this cannot happen. I was not thinking I would get pregnant so quickly. I'm not ready. Then I miscarried. For the second time. {My first miscarriage was between the boys}.
After this happened, I became unsettled. Through journaling, I realized that so much of my feeling unsettled was ... I have no clue what or when the next stage in our lives is. I like knowing what is ahead. You go to school, get into college, meet the "right" guy, get married, have a family. Nowhere did I plan for what has been happening over the past couple months. Should we have another? Do I want to go through all this again? Where should our oldest go to school for kindergarten? Should I homeschool for maybe a year until we can move? We would love to move but can we afford it? This house would be good for our family and it's in a great location, but is it the right house for us? --- Discontent. Unsettled. Weary. Faith to rest was not happening for me.
I was reading Jen Hatmaker's Out of The Spin Cycle and came across this.
"We mentally live in tomorrow while simply managing today. We forget to relish the charms of the present, allowing them to be overshadowed by our daily challenges"
She goes on to use the verse Exodus 16:4 - The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day.
"As I watch my two boys growing up, I confess that I am waiting for the next stage. Not only in their lives, but mine as well. Heavenly Father, I pray that You help me to slow it down and enjoy the stage I am presently in. Enjoy my oldest who is almost 5 and my youngest who just turned 2. Enjoy where they are at, even on those difficult days {like potty training}. When I am constantly looking ahead and worrying about tomorrow, I am missing today. My soul has been weary for I have been looking ahead. I pray that this year I fully learn to rest in You".
