When I Want To Run Away

There are moments where I want to run away. Actually, I hate running, so it would be more like drive away. Just get in the car, drive to Target, wander aimlessly & two hours later walk out with a cart full of things that I had no intention of buying.

My parents took the older boys Thursday night - Saturday morning. It was very quiet around here. Noah throughly enjoyed the freedom of being on the floor kicking & cooing away with no fear of having his (loving) older brothers get on the ground with him, getting all up in his face & giving him toys he cannot play with.  It also worked out nicely because Noah had his 2 month check up, which meant shots. He's a trooper but he was cranky here & there. It was lovely to hold him without needing to put him down to tend to the older boys.

When I picked up the older boys, my middle one was not happy with me. He enjoyed his time at the grandparents, but he did not like that I did not pick him up when he thought I was going to get him. My oldest is used to it and loved that he stayed over at his grandparents for two whole nights, but he was a little too wound up.

As soon as I got home from picking the boys up, chaos erupted. My oldest dropped his backpack on the floor and did not respond well when I asked him to pick it up & put it where it belonged. He was sent to time out, which provoked a tantrum. My middle one was exhausted and hungry, so he was crying when I told him he had to wait before I got him food. The baby was crying because it was his feeding time.  I stood there in the hallway, with three children crying in different rooms, and thought "I can't do this. I want to run away. What was I thinking - having children, especially having a third? I am in no way equipped to handle this".  It was overwhelming to have all three needing me at the same time.  Battle plan: grab a snack for the middle one. Go talk to the oldest, he just needs me to hold him & reassure him I love him even when I am not happy with his behavior. The baby will be okay, and he won't remember I let him cry for a few more minutes.  Ready, set, go. And off I went.

Things had calmed down & I patted myself on the back for not running (driving) away and handling the situation. Then chaos again. As I was feeding the baby, I told my middle one to go to his room for his nap. My oldest now wanted a snack and I told him to wait.  Go to change baby & realize he needed not only a diaper change, but a bath as well.  Get bath set up and right as I'm about to get baby in bath, my middle one comes in to use the bathroom & go poop.  So I put down a crying baby, help the middle one in the bathroom, tell my oldest yet again he has to wait (as he's standing there next to me with a snack in hand). Get middle one back to bed, tell him I'll lay down with him just as soon as I finish with the baby. Pick up crying baby & give him his bath. Realize as I'm washing him that he really needs diaper rash cream.  Take him out of bath, put him down on the floor, hope he doesn't pee all over the place, and search for diaper rash cream. My oldest comes in again, snack in hand. He's getting frustrated (and I am as well) because I am not tending to his needs right at that moment. Get baby dressed and put him in swing, do the snack for my oldest, only to find out he doesn't want it as a snack now, he wants it for school on Monday, and could he have PB&J now. At this point, I just looked at him with exasperation.  Once more I thought "I can't do this." I left him eating his PB&J, and went to lay down with my middle one who was supposed to be taking a nap. I generally do not do this, but realized that after being away for two days, he just needed me.

When chaos is erupting around me, I feel inadequate and incapable. The feeling of being pulled in different directions and each chid having a different need that in that particular moment, only I can meet. That's when the enemy sneaks in & whispers "You are a failure. You cannot do this" He takes the chaos, that seems insurmountable but really is only a few minutes, and makes me doubt myself.

In those moments when I want to run (drive) away and escape, I need to instead stop & pray. I need to remember the words from this post How Do You Do It? (written over a year ago)

I need Him to help me trade my doing for His doing. 

I need His patience. 
I need His joy.
I need His love.

You know, I needed God when I had one and two children. But, I had all of this stuff - books and gear and Grannies and know-it-all voices and I had me. 

So I flailed about amidst all of that and tried to raise my children in the Land of I Can Do This. 

But, God has whittled away all of that other stuff. He's taught me that He loves my children more than I do, and He loves to hear my voice calling out to Him and letting Him fill me with strength and wisdom and love and joy for my children. I don't have it. But, He does. 

I just love that line -- "He's taught me that He loves my children more than I do, and He loves to hear my voice calling out to Him and letting Him fill me with strength and wisdom and love and joy for my children. I don't have it. But, He does."  

Friends, when you have these moments, call out to Him. Let Him fill you up and renew your spirits. Afterwards, call or text a friend. I did that earlier - there's something to be said for knowing that someone else has been right where you are, in that moment of chaos.  Then, go love on those children that are making you feel overwhelmed. 

I'm going to take my own advice & go join in on the game my boys are playing :)