I am incredibly selfish.
Things got crazy here lately (crazier, I should say) and I got into a funk. Life was busy and I could not keep on top of things at home. When I was home, I just crashed. I did the bare minimum. I would get frustrated at the fact that I was constantly needed. I just want to read a book, I want to watch a tv show, or just ... sit, without someone needing something.
One afternoon, I was exhausted and the baby wouldn't settle down, the older boys were fighting and I was done. Depleted. I found myself looking at the clock every five minutes to see when my husband would be home. As so often happens, I started crying (it's how I roll when I reach the end of my rope) while I was trying to rock the baby to sleep (he's crying, banging his tiny hands on my chest and trying to fling himself out of my arms), and my husband comes home in the midst of it. He poked his head in the dark room and said hi, while the older boys ran up to him, demanding his attention. I wanted so badly to hand over the baby and disappear into my room. So badly. I wanted to take a breather and be alone to regroup. I started to get mad that my husband had not noticed how I felt. How dare he not come in and take the baby so I could take a break? Doesn't he know how hard my day has been? Doesn't he know how worn out I am?
In the midst of it, I look out in the hallway and I see my husband. Work has been busy and stressful, he's been working late to finish things, and he's also worn down. I see him as he plays with the older boys, giving them his attention when he too just wants to disappear for a few minutes. As I watched him, there was this quiet whisper in my heart. "Lean on Me. Lean on Me when things get rough, when you need a breather. I am the one who will sustain you and keep you going. Lean on Me". As I continued to rock the baby (thankfully, he had settled down & fell asleep) I started thinking about how selfish I was. I was letting myself be run down because I was not only depending on myself, but on my husband. I disregarded how he was feeling, how busy work had been for him. I was "dumping" the boys on him when he got home, not giving him a chance to take a breather before I started complaining how I felt.
Have you and your husband ever burnt out at the same time? It's not pretty. It makes for hurt feelings and harsh words. It makes for raw emotions. You are both coming from the same place (but yet different) and neither is willing to set aside their feelings to give the other what is needed.
This was going on that day that I was getting upset over my husband not helping me the way I felt he needed to help me. We were both burnt out and struggling. That whisper in my heart "lean on Me" forced me to look at my selfish thoughts and actions. I needed to lay my burdens down at the feet of the One who can carry them. I needed to get back into a devotional, get in the Word. I needed to show my husband grace, show him understanding. Here's the thing - backing down, giving up how I felt to better serve my husband ... not easy. I fought it. I dug my stubborn heels in and complained. Each time, God just kept saying - Lean on Me. Tell Me your worries, your complaints, your emotions. Give them to Me, then go and serve your husband.
It took time. As my attitude changed, I noticed that communication between myself and my husband was improving. We slowly started to emerge from that burned out state we were in, doing things together and with our children. I am learning to stop relying on myself or my husband so much. I am working on continually bring my emotions, thoughts and prayers before the Lord instead of putting so much pressure on myself to do it all, thus putting pressure on my husband when I felt like I was failing.
One afternoon, I was exhausted and the baby wouldn't settle down, the older boys were fighting and I was done. Depleted. I found myself looking at the clock every five minutes to see when my husband would be home. As so often happens, I started crying (it's how I roll when I reach the end of my rope) while I was trying to rock the baby to sleep (he's crying, banging his tiny hands on my chest and trying to fling himself out of my arms), and my husband comes home in the midst of it. He poked his head in the dark room and said hi, while the older boys ran up to him, demanding his attention. I wanted so badly to hand over the baby and disappear into my room. So badly. I wanted to take a breather and be alone to regroup. I started to get mad that my husband had not noticed how I felt. How dare he not come in and take the baby so I could take a break? Doesn't he know how hard my day has been? Doesn't he know how worn out I am?
In the midst of it, I look out in the hallway and I see my husband. Work has been busy and stressful, he's been working late to finish things, and he's also worn down. I see him as he plays with the older boys, giving them his attention when he too just wants to disappear for a few minutes. As I watched him, there was this quiet whisper in my heart. "Lean on Me. Lean on Me when things get rough, when you need a breather. I am the one who will sustain you and keep you going. Lean on Me". As I continued to rock the baby (thankfully, he had settled down & fell asleep) I started thinking about how selfish I was. I was letting myself be run down because I was not only depending on myself, but on my husband. I disregarded how he was feeling, how busy work had been for him. I was "dumping" the boys on him when he got home, not giving him a chance to take a breather before I started complaining how I felt.
Have you and your husband ever burnt out at the same time? It's not pretty. It makes for hurt feelings and harsh words. It makes for raw emotions. You are both coming from the same place (but yet different) and neither is willing to set aside their feelings to give the other what is needed.
This was going on that day that I was getting upset over my husband not helping me the way I felt he needed to help me. We were both burnt out and struggling. That whisper in my heart "lean on Me" forced me to look at my selfish thoughts and actions. I needed to lay my burdens down at the feet of the One who can carry them. I needed to get back into a devotional, get in the Word. I needed to show my husband grace, show him understanding. Here's the thing - backing down, giving up how I felt to better serve my husband ... not easy. I fought it. I dug my stubborn heels in and complained. Each time, God just kept saying - Lean on Me. Tell Me your worries, your complaints, your emotions. Give them to Me, then go and serve your husband.
It took time. As my attitude changed, I noticed that communication between myself and my husband was improving. We slowly started to emerge from that burned out state we were in, doing things together and with our children. I am learning to stop relying on myself or my husband so much. I am working on continually bring my emotions, thoughts and prayers before the Lord instead of putting so much pressure on myself to do it all, thus putting pressure on my husband when I felt like I was failing.
Proverbs 14:1
Every wise woman builds her household, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands
When those days are hard and my selfishness seems overwhelming, I need to bring it to You. I need to remember that this is a season. It is a season to train them, love on them, and guide them to You. It is a season that is not always easy and it can be overwhelming. When they struggle, I struggle. I look to myself and blame myself. I need to bring more to You in prayer instead of thinking I can just get through it if I figure it out. I do not want to be the foolish woman who tears down my house. I pray that I make my home a welcoming place for my husband, even in the midst of the crazy days where nothing seems to have been done & dinner is late, with the baby crying and older kids fighting. I pray that we continue to work together and build each other up, that we support each other on the hard days and rejoice on the good days. Above all, I pray that each day brings me closer to You, to my husband and to my children. I fall so many times in this walk of life, and each time You lift me up and show me the way to go. I know I will continue to fall, but I thank You for always being there to pick me up, refresh me, and set me back on the path to You.
