Anger. I forget it's a sin sometime. Human emotion. But when it rears it's ugly head, I am far too aware of how easy it is to anger and how hard it can be to calm down. I grabbed my iPad and tried to zone out, tried to ignore the crying and feel justified in my anger. "He talked to back to me. He is being defiant. He is deliberately going against everything I say and I'm just not taking it anymore. He'll have to cry until he falls asleep because I cannot go back in there".
"Give him grace. Go to him". NO NO NO. I'm mad, he's not behaving. It's been going on for several days and I AM DONE. "Go to him. Apologize. You know your behavior is wrong. You know you lost your temper and you need to let your guard down". NO. Good gracious, let me be. Stop this, Holy Spirit. NO. I am the parent. He needs to know he was wrong. I will not tolerate his disrespect.
"He is just a boy. Your job is to guide him and instruct him, show Him the way to Me. He is learning and does not have control over his emotions. You do" grumble grumble grumble. {Don't you hate it when you are being put in your place? I sure do} This conversation between me and God goes on for a while. Every time I start to calm down, the child seemed to do something to make me mad all over again. Or madder, since I never fully calmed down and repented of my anger. How hard is it to just stay in your room? My word! I was barking out the word 'no' for every request. Sadly yes, even the request to get a hug. I was simply not calming down.
Finally, my husband came home. He came home to me laying in the hallway playing on my iPad outside the bedrooms, ignoring crying children. I asked him to get the baby & rock him to sleep. I knew that he {the baby} would pick up on my tension and anger, as he had been the past hour, and he needed someone calm to get him to sleep. After some time, I was calm. I prayed, asking for forgiveness, asked for wisdom in how to handle the situation. I was trying to figure out how to lecture "lovingly". "Don't lecture. Don't try to talk to him about what you think he did wrong. Just apologize. Hug him. Give him grace".
I heaved a big sigh. Alright alright, grumble grumble. I walked into the bedroom, laid down besides my precious boy, and just wrapped my arms around him. I held him tight, whispered I am sorry. Told him I loved him. My actions were wrong. My words were wrong. It was not nice of Mommy to get mad the way she did. I said that I was asking Jesus to help me calm down and that I asked Him to forgive me for my sin, for being angry. And oh, that sweet boy. He wrapped his arms around me, kissed my cheek and with that childlike innocence and forgiveness, said "It's okay Mom. I love you".
I wrote a post recently about being selfish and how having children made me realize how selfish I am. Having children also made me realize how stubborn I am, how hard it is for me to simply apologize and say I am sorry. My husband has always been quick to apologize and ask for forgiveness, whereas I would sit and stew for quite a while. Even if I did apologize, it was not heartfelt. It was "I know I should say I'm sorry, but I'm really not" type of apology. The type of behavior you'd expect from a petulant teenager. Due to this, I do not make my boys apologize to each other if they are not truly apologetic. I know far well how easy it is to be forced to apologize, and how that carries over into the rest of life. I want them to have real apologies, not forced ones because Mom & Dad demanded it.
One of the greatest gifts of having children, to me, was learning how important it is to apologize. How to be truly contrite and know that it is okay, good even, to let your children know you are human and make mistakes. To teach them that it is by God's grace that we are called His children. I am thankful for that oh so wonderful spirited child of mine whom God has been using to knock me down a few (dozen) pegs and to truly repent, to mess up big time, and still be able to go and apologize to him. To show my children through my own messed up attitude and mistakes, that I cannot do this on my own. To point them to Christ, to the One who can do all things through us, if only we let Him. I am learning, always learning, to apologize. Daily. When it's a clash of wills, I have a very hard time backing down. I have a hard time giving grace.
This is not a "how to parent" post, because clearly, I am not a model parent! This is a mom, who is stubborn, selfish, hard headed and at times, hard hearted. By God's amazing AMAZING grace, I am blessed beyond measure with my children, and He is using them to teach me how much I need Him, day by day.
I hear the Savior say
Thy strength indeed is small
Child of weakness....watch and pray
Find in me....thine all in all
Chorus:
Jesus paid it all
All to Him I owe
Sin hath left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow
Lord, now indeed I find
Thy power and Thine alone
Can change the leper's spots
And melt the heart of stone
For nothing good have I
Whereby Thy grace to claim
I'll wash my garments white
In the blood of Calvary's Lamb
And when before thy throne
I stand in Him complete
Jesus died my soul to save
My lips shall still repeat
