I have had this post swirling around in the back of my mind for a few weeks now. I really enjoyed John Lynch's message when he spoke recently at COD & so much of it resonated with me. The honesty, the vulnerability. I loved the poignancy of him saying there's a mountain of sin and we feel like Jesus is on the other side. Instead Jesus is right next to us, looking at that and saying "we'll work through that mountain of sin, one thing at a time, when you are ready". (That's my gist of what he said, I tend to rearrange words that I think I hear) ;)
Are we ever really ready? I tend to shut things down quickly if I feel like things are getting too deep, or too close to home. If I feel myself getting emotional, I have the "talent" of zoning out and not fully listening to what is going on around me. Admittedly, it can be easy to tune out since it requires so much work to follow a conversation to begin with. As I listened to John Lynch's "what would you think" sentences, I thought ... what if? What if we allowed ourselves to do that? I have done it off and on throughout this blog, as I am a writer (meaning I love to write, I am by no means a professional writer) and it's how I process things. Try to get me to talk it all out in person and you'll hear me making jokes as soon as I feel the topic is getting too serious.
So. Here goes. My own what would you think statements.
What you think if I told you that I stay away from those who are "gaining" something I have really wanted? When trying to get pregnant with my second, I had to force myself to attend events where I knew I had pregnant friends who would attend. I want so badly to be happy and in some regard I am, for those who are getting what I have wanted for so long, but it is still a battle, a struggle, to genuinely be happy for them without being bitter over it.
What would you think if I told you I feel stuck a lot. Stuck in the doldrums. With three young children, life is ever changing, but it seems sometimes my circumstances overall do not change. It is not the monotony of the day in/day out stuff, but I find myself waiting and watching for bigger things. I wrote this in January of 2014.
I was reading Jen Hatmaker's Out of The Spin Cycle and came across this.
"We mentally live in tomorrow while simply managing today. We forget to relish the charms of the present, allowing them to be overshadowed by our daily challenges"
She goes on to use the verse Exodus 16:4 - The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day.
"As I watch my two boys growing up, I confess that I am waiting for the next stage. Not only in their lives, but mine as well. Heavenly Father, I pray that You help me to slow it down and enjoy the stage I am presently in. Enjoy my oldest who is almost 5 and my youngest who just turned 2. Enjoy where they are at, even on those difficult days {like potty training}. When I am constantly looking ahead and worrying about tomorrow, I am missing today. My soul has been weary for I have been looking ahead. I pray that this year I fully learn to rest in You".
This is a prayer I need to continue to pray, over a year later. I am still waiting for the next stage of what's to come. Not necessarily meaning what God has for me, but in my mind, my control - this is where I want to go next. Why is it not happening yet? I struggle with staying in the present, still.
What would you think if I told you I have a temper. My oldest has the same temper as mine. We both lose it often. He loses it on his brother, I lose it on him. Many times we cry and then I hold him tight and pray for Jesus to help both of us with the anger in our hearts. I am struggling to teach him how to control his temper when I have a hard time controlling my temper myself.
What would you think if I told you that when I am afraid God will answer "no" or "not right now" to a prayer, I don't want to pray about it. If I feel that He is going to force me to take a good look at my thoughts and actions about something, I won't pray about it. I am currently going through something now that God is slowly but surely pushing me to acknowledge and it is not easy. It means realizing that what I have wanted for the past 7 years, may in fact, not be what He wants for me. It breaks my heart and makes me mad. It makes me feel defeated and stirs up all the feelings I've been trying to ignore for 7 years.
What would you think if I told you that I get sick of "do unto others what you would like them to do for you" (or however that's phrased). I break down a little each time I reach out and am rejected. I struggle with treating others the way I want to be treated, then feeling ignored and wondering "does anyone even want to be my friend? I'm the friend that is just hovering around the edges of the circles, flitting around" I struggle with knowing that all I need is God, then hearing that He has created us to want to be loved and accepted by others. It's a constant - battle is not the right word, but a constant ping pong of emotions. He so deeply loves me and unconditionally accepts me, but He has also created me to want that from others. I am sure there is a deep theological meaning behind it all, but sometimes, a lot of the time, - it just freaking hurts. I lick my wounds, pull my tail in and retreat for a while until I feel brave enough to venture out again. I would like to think each time I grow closer in my walk with the Lord as He comforts me, but there are times I am just mad, hurt and sad and wonder "why?"
What would you think if I told you I see so many of my negative traits in my oldest and my heart breaks for him? I see so many of his father's positive traits in him, and I'm jealous. My middle one has his own unique personality where my husband and I look at each other and say "where'd he come from?" He's a chatterbox though - that he definitely gets from me.
What would you think if I told you that I make self deprecating jokes to deflect being hurt or to keep others from joking first? I read once "if you make a joke about yourself first, it takes the fun out of it for the other person". It is not as 'necessary' as it was in my youth, but I find myself doing it from time to time in uncomfortable situations.
What would you think if I told you I read Pastor Ed's blog post Loner Christians and realized - that's me. I am a loner Christian. I never formed true lasting friendships through the church. I was hurt deeply, my family switched churches a few times in my growing up years, and I never felt I had a "home" church. Sure, I participate in church and am a part of things, but if I feel hurt, if I feel like I was criticized or someone made a comment about my child, I withdraw. I have to force myself to attend sermons, HUB and GUM. Before COD, if I was hurt by someone at church or if I felt like I was passed over, I just stopped going for a while.
What are some of your "what would you think" statements? I am not asking you to post them here, but it's to get you thinking. What if, you opened yourself up and became more vulnerable? It's scary, and you may think you'll push people away, but I pray that you will be surprised and find that you are, in fact, accepted and loved within the community of COD. I pray that your vulnerability will deepen your friendships, your relationship with your spouse and your children, and your relationship with Christ.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10New English Translation (NET Bible)
9 But he said to me, “My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” So then, I will boast most gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may reside in me. 10 Therefore I am content with weaknesses, with insults, with troubles, with persecutions and difficulties for the sake of Christ, for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.
