Here I Am, Once Again

There are many times I sit down to write & decide that what I want to write is too honest, too vulnerable. The harder days of parenting. I'm afraid of criticism and "why would you feel that way?" comments. I want what I write to reach to others - to have other moms know that they are not alone. It could also be quite possible that I am the only one who feels this way. In any case, as I went through my morning I thought "this needs to be written about. If only for my own therapeutic purposes".


This morning was a crappy mom morning. We've all had the days where we're just done. Most of the time we 'blame' those days on our children's behavior. Been there done that. This morning ... it was ALL me. I was in a really awful mood. I woke up in a bad mood. I checked the calendar to see if it was PMS. Dang it, nope. Couldn't blame the hormones. My boys were not behaving badly, yet every little thing set me on edge.

I was annoyed when one of my boys didn't finish his breakfast & 5 minutes after I rinsed out his bowl, he asked for something to eat. I was annoyed when one of them took incentive to pour their own drink & spilled it, even though he cleaned it up without my asking. We went out to the store and they did well until the end where they were wrestling (when are they not wrestling?) - I was so distracted I hit the wrong button & cancelled the entire transaction. That annoyed me to no end. After we came home they were jumping all over me and I finally had enough. I yelled. I scared them and made them cry, which made me cry. Heavy, shuddering sobs.  I sent the older boys to another room, I put the toddler in his room. I went to my room and just sobbed. Where your heart is pounding and you are breathing rapidly. I berated myself for being a terrible mother. I wondered why I had been struggling for weeks to just get something done. To do the dishes, do the laundry, enjoy being with the boys. I cried because I felt so bad for my husband who was picking up the slack because I had several bad headaches/migraines this month that sent me to bed as soon as he got home from work or stole the family day we had planned. I cried from the exhaustion of a toddler who is so demanding yet independent all at once. He is so similar to his oldest brother I feel that since I have been through this before, I would have experience and patience. Experience, yes. Patience - not even close. I cried because I feel like I am failing my children, who have this mother that just does not know what the heck she is doing. I cried because I could hear the comments of well meaning people who love me, but they don't realize their comments are doing more harm than good. I tried to pray and reassure myself how loved I am by our Creator, how much He loves my boys and how He has picked me to be their mother, how He longs to give me grace on the hard days.  But you know what? sometimes ... sometimes praying doesn't work, as in you do not automatically feel better & move on with your day. Sometimes the only thing to do is cry it out. And believe me, it was not the last time I cried today.

I wrote a blog post - Stuck In The Doldrums - three years ago. I am right there again. I dislike being there. It is so encompassing and overwhelming. It's something that is so hard to get out of, until one day - you just do. When that day comes and the fog lifts, it's a beautiful day. I'm looking forward to that day. Maybe it'll coincide with the day my older two start school ;)

Here I am,
Once again
I pour out my heart
For I know that you hear
Every cry,
You are listening
No matter what state
My heart is in

You are faithful
To answer
With words that are true
And a hope that is real
As I feel
Your touch
You bring a freedom
To all that's within
In the safety of this place
I'm longing to...

Pour out my heart
To say that I love you
Pour out my heart
To say that I need you
Pour out my heart
To say that I'm thankful
Pour out my heart
To say that you're wonderful

Weariness & Hope

June 20th:

  Today was our first official day of summer. My oldest got out of school on the 9th, my middle was finishing up summer camp the next day & the following week was VBA. The next two weeks we have swim lessons.  Add that to my youngest getting sick & being up half the night the last three nights ... I'm tired.

I know myself - I knew I was going to get burnt out because I have been going nonstop. Due to this, I tried to plan ahead. I told myself I would get up at 5:30 - do my quiet time, unload the dishwasher  or run a load of laundry & generally just be awake when my boys got up. I started two weeks ago & I have managed to do this ... three times.

Sweet friends, it is the FIRST DAY OF SUMMER AND I AM DONE. I am weary. I am worn out. I declared loudly yesterday when I had all three boys hanging on me and clamoring for my attention, "I AM TOUCHED OUT!" For you mommas whose children have been on summer break longer than mine, I can only imagine that you are weary too.  {I feel that I should add we've been busy and there has yet to be a day at home where we all stay in pajamas, watch more tv than usual, laze around, all that kind of stuff. I'm sure I'll recharge if we ever get a day like that anytime soon}.

Knowing I would feel this way, I picked up a devotional called Hope for the Weary Mom Devotional. I looked up scripture for the weary mom. I found a prayer (literally called the Weary Mom prayer, from the devotional). I looked up blog posts that encouraged the weary mom. I wanted to have these resources on hand for the days when I am just ... done. When I notice my tone becoming sharper, my patience becoming thinner, and exhaustion kicking in around 3 pm.

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June 28th:

 I still remain touched out some days. I am still weary some days. I somehow manage to get up around 5:30 *most* every day (I have NO IDEA how I am doing this) Due to my youngest being 'quarantined' for over a week it gave us plenty of time to be home & my weary soul needed that.  At first I was panicked at how I would survive a whole week at home with little social interaction, but my mom came by, mother in law was here for a visit and my nephew was born, so I was able to fulfill that social part of me.

 Along with Hope for the Weary Mom devotional , I started reading the book Hope for the Weary Mom. There was a chapter in the book that, to me, was so incredibly freeing and helped me release some of the standards I hold myself to. I got so very excited and was chattering away about it to my husband and sweet man he is, tried to be interested but his mind was elsewhere in project mode. You see, he's a doer. I'm a relator. I will explain this later.

Chapter 2 of Hope for the Weary Mom is titled "When You're Caught in What You're Not".  We've all been there - looked at our weaknesses and compared them to someone else's strengths. This has been something I have struggled with for years. I felt like my weaknesses were just pointed out again and again, with nary any mention of my strengths. When I try to list my strengths, I come across as self deprecating.  Rarely can I say "I'm good at this and here's why". It's more of 'yeah I'm good at this but OH MAN I AM SO BAD at blah blah blah".

In this chapter, they talk about the introvert/extrovert aspects of the personality, but they add in relator/doer. My mother is a doer. She's fast and she gets things done.  If I need something, she's there and she dives in. My husband is a doer. He can stay home for the day while I'm out and when I come back, things are done. What the what?! It used to aggravate me to no end and make me feel like a failure that these two people clearly had something I did not. Why am I so bad at doing what they do - tackling things and just getting it done?

I notice all the doers in my friendships. The ones who just get it done. The moms who just seem to be on top of everything and aren't frantically texting another mom "is this today? I can't find my paper & forgot to put it on my calendar. WHAT IS TODAY!?" I see my weakness (not a doer), and their strength (a doer) and I berate myself for not being like them.  Surely I would be a better person if I was a doer. My house would be cleaner, I would tackle all the things on my to do list (instead of just writing a to do list so I felt like I was a doer - never mind that most of it never gets checked off). Ladies, I have spent years trying to be someone I am not. I have spent years trying to turn my weakness into my strength. I can't. It's not how God made me. I am simply NOT a doer.

In contrast, I am a relator. I would much rather talk than tackle the dishes in the sink. It drives my mom bonkers (sorry Mom) that I am seriously standing over a sink of dirty dishes, talking away and not even bothering to do them.  I crave relationships & relating to people. I stop in the middle of something if a quick text turns into a conversation. I love meeting up and connecting with friends, checking in with how they are doing. I love writing and reading. I tend to get emotionally invested in characters when I read books (which is why I hardly read anymore b/c I just can't put a book down and thus ignore my children while I'm reading). That is who God created me to be and I am slowly but surely learning that it is my strength. I cannot be someone I am not, no matter how hard I try.

This excerpt from the book reminded me of our lovely GUM group:

In our little group of friends, the people we do community with on a daily basis, there's a crafty mom, a servant mom, a musical mom and a teacher mom. All of the areas that best define my weaknesses are represented in this group. That makes us a powerhouse. 

I could look at these women, each of whom is gifted at something totally different than me, and wish I could be more like them. I could spend my days wishing I could do a great job at reaching the hearts of my boys and be the fun mom. Or I could spend my days being thankful that God has surrounded me with friends who bring variety to my life. They fill my gaps, and that's an amazing gift from God. Why? Because we weren't meant to do life alone. God created us for community - created us to need each other to do life well. He created you that way too. 

We weren't created to be good at everything, but we're great at some things. So let's vow to let God use us effectively in those areas, and fill the gaps with His grace and good friends. 

Don't complicate your life by wishing you were someone else. Be good at who you are - who God made you to be. Know how God says you are, and trust Him to fill in the gaps. Let go of what you're not, and hold on to what you've got. 

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For the mamas do not consist of one type but of many amazingly different kinds. If every mama was crafty, who would organize? If every mama was the life of the party, who would bring meals to the sick? But as it is, God has arranged the mamas, each one of them, as He chose. And they are beautiful, and reflect His grace, when they know it, and walk out life together. 

- based off 1 Corinthians 12:14, 17-18

-- Hope For the Weary Mom, chapter 2, page 40-41

My lovely GUM mamas, I pray that you take this to heart today. I pray that you are encouraged on your weary days & that God meets you in the mess. Grab this book, read it, hold the words close to your heart. I would love to talk about this book with you, and encourage you in what your strengths are.

Here are a few other resources of hope for our tired weary hearts :) 

5 Scriptures of Hope (click on link to open)

10 posts for the weary mom

Happy Reading!!

Hands Free

This post has been bouncing around in my head for a while.   I have not been wanting to write about it because it is a daily struggle and a painful struggle that God has me going through as I truly search what is going on within me.  When Mari talked about the one word resolution instead of multiple New Years resolution, "hands free" is what popped into my head. It may be two words (I am a rebel), but it means one thing.

A daily struggle I have with parenting is the need to escape. The more children I had, the more worse the struggle was. For years I felt so guilty that I needed to escape. What kind of parent was I that I would become short tempered and irritable over spending time with my children? The constant 'mom I need this, mom can you do this' and taking care of the youngest just overwhelms me, in addition to household chores, shuffling kids to/from activities, etc. I looked at other moms who just seemed to have a handle on it all, who loved spending time with their children and doing stuff with them. Taking my children out somewhere alone is totally doable. I'm usually quite frazzled by the end of it, but I can do it.

I got the iPhone when Jordan was 18 months old. That's my escape. Technology. When I need to shut down, but still be "present", I'm on my phone. I watch clips from The Tonight Show, I read articles, I go on Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram, play games. I basically tune out. It's been a hard and painful thing to make myself aware of.

One day, as I sat in my bedroom in tears, completely overwhelmed and feeling the ever so constant mom guilt, I finally realized why I struggle so much.  Ironically, the realization of it made me cry even more, because I felt like it sounded like an excuse. Please do not mishear me when I say why I struggle, because I am fully aware that we all struggle in our own ways. It took roughly 6 years to figure out why I seemed to have a much harder time than other moms, why I needed to shut down more often.  My hearing impairment, my deafness if you want to be politically correct, takes so much out of me. I work hard to hear things. I get run down more because it is just exhausting.  Sounds pathetic, but it is true. When I come home from church, GUM, HUB, or a group playdate, I am wiped. SO MUCH WORK to listen to all that was going on. I'm on overload. I want to shut down.

This has been said many times and it'll continue to be said - God made my boys loud because I need them to be loud. However, that does not mean that I hear all of what they say. My husband overheard my oldest say something quite unkind to my middle one, and my heart sank. How can I parent in that regard when I cannot overhear them talking? How often are unkind words being said? This realization hurt even more: how often am I on my phone, 'present' but essentially tuned out, when this happens? When I am physically right there, able to hear them, and this happens? Ouch. Gut wrenching realization.

I want to be hands free. I want to focus more on my children instead of tuning out on my phone when I get overwhelmed. It will not be easy and it'll be quite the journey. I will have to make a conscious effort every time to not turn to my phone. (and I get overwhelmed/shut down more than I care to admit). To be fully present and engaged with my children. It's one thing if I do not overhear something when I am busy doing a task in another room, but I am ashamed that it happens when I am sitting right there with them, but busy looking at my phone. I know other moms do it too - but other moms can still hear and process what is going on without having to look at their children. This is something God has put on my heart, for me & my family. I am stubborn. I know - I come across so sweet and kind ... but I am stubborn as a mule. I will stomp my feet like a child, pout and walk away when someone opposes me (okay, I only physically do that around my husband but in my mind I do it with others).   Same thing happens when God places something on my heart & I wrestle with it. I do not want to acknowledge it, I know I am struggling and need to fix it. I just don't want to and you can't make me. So there. Hmph.

As always, God times it all perfectly. He had Mari speak at GUM about the one word resolution. Hands Free. Popped into my head immediately. My heart hurt because I knew this was not going to be fun. I like fun. I like easy. I am tired of struggles. Alas, I need to put on my big girl pants and deal with this. As I sit here writing this, I have the printable I handed out last year - Give Yourself Grace - on my desk. This is going to be painful, it is going to be messy, but God is going to use it to draw me closer to Him, and to my family. Through it all, I will choose to give myself grace.  Hands free grace.

*If you would like to know what Mari talked about, here is a post from 3 years ago that roughly sums it up. New Year, One Word