Hands Free

This post has been bouncing around in my head for a while.   I have not been wanting to write about it because it is a daily struggle and a painful struggle that God has me going through as I truly search what is going on within me.  When Mari talked about the one word resolution instead of multiple New Years resolution, "hands free" is what popped into my head. It may be two words (I am a rebel), but it means one thing.

A daily struggle I have with parenting is the need to escape. The more children I had, the more worse the struggle was. For years I felt so guilty that I needed to escape. What kind of parent was I that I would become short tempered and irritable over spending time with my children? The constant 'mom I need this, mom can you do this' and taking care of the youngest just overwhelms me, in addition to household chores, shuffling kids to/from activities, etc. I looked at other moms who just seemed to have a handle on it all, who loved spending time with their children and doing stuff with them. Taking my children out somewhere alone is totally doable. I'm usually quite frazzled by the end of it, but I can do it.

I got the iPhone when Jordan was 18 months old. That's my escape. Technology. When I need to shut down, but still be "present", I'm on my phone. I watch clips from The Tonight Show, I read articles, I go on Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram, play games. I basically tune out. It's been a hard and painful thing to make myself aware of.

One day, as I sat in my bedroom in tears, completely overwhelmed and feeling the ever so constant mom guilt, I finally realized why I struggle so much.  Ironically, the realization of it made me cry even more, because I felt like it sounded like an excuse. Please do not mishear me when I say why I struggle, because I am fully aware that we all struggle in our own ways. It took roughly 6 years to figure out why I seemed to have a much harder time than other moms, why I needed to shut down more often.  My hearing impairment, my deafness if you want to be politically correct, takes so much out of me. I work hard to hear things. I get run down more because it is just exhausting.  Sounds pathetic, but it is true. When I come home from church, GUM, HUB, or a group playdate, I am wiped. SO MUCH WORK to listen to all that was going on. I'm on overload. I want to shut down.

This has been said many times and it'll continue to be said - God made my boys loud because I need them to be loud. However, that does not mean that I hear all of what they say. My husband overheard my oldest say something quite unkind to my middle one, and my heart sank. How can I parent in that regard when I cannot overhear them talking? How often are unkind words being said? This realization hurt even more: how often am I on my phone, 'present' but essentially tuned out, when this happens? When I am physically right there, able to hear them, and this happens? Ouch. Gut wrenching realization.

I want to be hands free. I want to focus more on my children instead of tuning out on my phone when I get overwhelmed. It will not be easy and it'll be quite the journey. I will have to make a conscious effort every time to not turn to my phone. (and I get overwhelmed/shut down more than I care to admit). To be fully present and engaged with my children. It's one thing if I do not overhear something when I am busy doing a task in another room, but I am ashamed that it happens when I am sitting right there with them, but busy looking at my phone. I know other moms do it too - but other moms can still hear and process what is going on without having to look at their children. This is something God has put on my heart, for me & my family. I am stubborn. I know - I come across so sweet and kind ... but I am stubborn as a mule. I will stomp my feet like a child, pout and walk away when someone opposes me (okay, I only physically do that around my husband but in my mind I do it with others).   Same thing happens when God places something on my heart & I wrestle with it. I do not want to acknowledge it, I know I am struggling and need to fix it. I just don't want to and you can't make me. So there. Hmph.

As always, God times it all perfectly. He had Mari speak at GUM about the one word resolution. Hands Free. Popped into my head immediately. My heart hurt because I knew this was not going to be fun. I like fun. I like easy. I am tired of struggles. Alas, I need to put on my big girl pants and deal with this. As I sit here writing this, I have the printable I handed out last year - Give Yourself Grace - on my desk. This is going to be painful, it is going to be messy, but God is going to use it to draw me closer to Him, and to my family. Through it all, I will choose to give myself grace.  Hands free grace.

*If you would like to know what Mari talked about, here is a post from 3 years ago that roughly sums it up. New Year, One Word