Proverbs 31:28

My dear friends,

  *I am not the greatest at encouragement in person, for I never know what to say. My thoughts are expressed best in writing so this is a letter of encouragement for you*

  It is the eve of kindergarten.  The precious baby boy/girl that made you a mother for the first time is now 5 years old & heading to kindergarten tomorrow.  Where has the time gone? These young children who have molded us and taught us what motherhood is. We've prayed for them, laughed with them, cried over them, and held them tenderly as they learned to navigate this world on their own. Tomorrow is yet another step of letting go.  Oh mommas, I don't know about you, but I find myself not ready for this momentous occasion!

  There are some of us who have quiet and sensitive children, others who have loud and exuberant children.  We each have our own worries and fears pertaining specifically to our child, and how they will handle kindergarten.  Take heart. You, my friend, have done a FANTASTIC job of raising your child! They are all so dear and have specific strengths that they will bring to kindergarten and the rest of their school years.  Our God is going before us, protecting their little hearts and soothing our momma hearts as we watch them walk into the classroom and grow up just a little bit more.  We may shed a tear or two {or a steady stream of tears}, bravely smile as they turn back to wave, and ask God once again, to watch over our precious child for us.

  Yesterday, as we were entering church, Jordan said "I like coming to church! My friends are there!".  Yes, while I do hope he starts to like coming to church because of learning about Jesus, I am also so happy that he loves his friends and is excited to see them each week. I love knowing that he is friends with awesome kids who have awesome parents who have done an awesome job of parenting.

{Everything is awesome, everything is cool when you're part of a team, everything is awesome when we're living our dream!}  

 I am blessed and thankful to be walking alongside you in this journey of motherhood, especially as we are navigating new terrain with our oldest ones.  I am thankful that our children are friends and will be growing up together.  I have been praying for you & your child today, as I will be praying tomorrow.  I cannot wait to see first day of school pictures & hear how the first day went!! 

  Much love, 

Stacy 

  

Who I Am

There is a memory from fifth grade that has always stuck with me.  Our PE activity involved a relay or sprints or ... something to do with running.  Afterwards, a group of us were asked to stay back.  The group that was asked to stay back was being asked to be on the track team.  I remember the teacher saying "If anyone does not want to be on this team, you may leave".  I raised my hand, said I was not willing to be part of the team.  They asked me to reconsider, as I was the second fastest runner in the school.  Again I said no, and I went back to my class.  Not once have I regretted that decision.  You see, I ran fast simply because I hated running and wanted to be done with it.

The reason this memory is still with me is because it was one of the few times I was true to myself, to who I was. It was one of the few times I was not trying to be someone I wasn't just to please others.

Growing up, I wanted to be liked so badly. You know the friends you had that you were never quite sure who they were, because they seemed to be whomever they thought someone wanted them to be? That was me. It continued all the way through college, even into the first year of my marriage. My husband knew me well, but I was still trying to be who I thought he wanted me to be. A dear friend from college bluntly told me one day

"You and I started to become better friends when you stopped saying yes to everything, stood up for yourself and said no, and did not let yourself be a doormat that people stepped on".  

That one sentence changed so many things for me.  I was a better friend because I said no sometimes? I was a better friend because I stood up for myself? I did not have to be a people-pleaser to be someone's friend?  It was hard for me to wrap my head around after so many years of essentially trying to be someone else.  

As I grew in my relationship with my husband and my friends, I was becoming more confident in myself. Then I became a mother for the first time. It started all over again. I tried to be the mom I thought I should be and ignored my instincts on what I thought was best for me & my child.  My oldest was born 3 weeks early, he was tiny (just over 6 lbs), and we struggled with nursing. The comments started from the very beginning.  He's small, are you feeding him enough, is he on formula b/c that'll bulk him up, wake him every 3 hours at night to feed him, and on and on and on.  The confidence that was slowly building up was being stripped away with every "well meaning" piece of advice and comment.  Insecurity rose and I doubted everything about myself not only as a mother, but also who I really was.  For someone who wanted to be a mother her whole life and was good with kids, I was constantly feeling like I was told what a terrible job I was doing. It was harder as my son grew older and he was a little spitfire.

The same applied to my relationship with Christ - I was trying to be the good Christian, when I felt I was so far from it. There's a worship song from my high school or college days that talked about not needing everything right before coming to God. {If anyone knows the song I'm talking about - let me know! I know it's not Come, Now is the Time to Worship}  I thought I needed to have everything "right" in my life before I felt I could come to the throne & ask for what I wanted. For someone who felt like she was always being told what she was doing wrong, it was very hard to come before God and accept His mercy and grace.

It may seem silly to say that I fully started gaining a true sense of self at the age of 27, when I started attending COD and became involved with GUM.  {Cue the waterworks - thank you pregnancy hormones!}.  While I still was slipping back into being who I thought others wanted me to be, I was turning to God more and more in those times and asking Him for His strength to be who He created me to be.  I learned to be vulnerable and to start letting people in, to share my struggles with motherhood, and sharing about my walk with Christ. I learned that sometimes I had to say no to certain things in order to move forward to something else, as hard as it may be.  It's still not easy for me to say no (except to my boys when they ask for something else to eat, after their snack, for the millionth time as I am writing this).

The confidence of who I am in Christ is increasing, giving me the strength to say no when it is needed, to be secure in the friendships I have, to be the wife He called me to be for my husband, to be the best mother I can be for my children, the mother He has called me to be, and to let go of things that I cannot control.  It is not always easy - I have days where I want to shut down because I feel like I just cannot do it. A harsh word overhead from one child to another, a "well meaning" comment from someone, when I feel left out from an activity, when my children have to be disciplined more often because of their behavior, and sometimes, something as simple as dinner not turning out the way I wanted it to. Thankfully, His mercies are new every morning and I am reminded that I am His.

Your mercies are new every morning

So let me wake with the dawn

When the music is through or so it seems to be

Then let me sing a new song, old things gone

Every day it's true, You make all Your mercies new

-- Mercies New, Nichole Nordeman 

Strong Willed Children

As I read Amie's post the other day - Train Up A Child - my heart went out to all the moms who have those wonderfully strong willed children. My heart goes out to them because I am a mom of a wonderfully strong willed child! If you have been at my GUM table or been a part of my HUB group, I have shared the struggles of raising my oldest, and you will also know how sensitive I can be when we go through hard times with him.

Currently, we are on the 'other end' and seeing the reward and results of those hard years of parenting our strong willed child. {this is an ongoing parenting challenge, I'm illustrating that we are seeing the rewards and realizing that we must have done something right, with God's guidance!}  It started at 18 months and I was not seeing any progress or encouragement until around 4 1/2 years old (he's 5 now).

Those 'early' years were hard and full of desperate prayers.  I read parenting books - Dare To Discipline, Creative Correction, The Strong Willed Child, and Bringing Up Boys. Each book left me discouraged and wondering why I was still struggling with my child.  People gave me advice on what worked for their children and surprise, what worked for their children was not working for mine! Many times, too many to count, I left a play date, the park, store, church, you name it with tears streaming down my face because my child was not behaving. Was it embarrassing? Yes. Did I take it personally and berate myself, telling myself it was my fault? Absolutely. I felt like a terrible mother who had no control over her stubborn, strong willed, energetic child, and surely everyone must think the exact same thing. I felt judged and became defensive.

I am not here to give advice. I am not here to placate you. I am here to say "There will be a day, someday, when you realize that your strong willed child is maturing and making better choices. You will look back & see that the battles have lessened.  You may cry out of the sheer wonder that God has been answering those desperate prayers, even when you could not see it."

Almost two years ago, I posted my first blog for GUM. Two years ago, I clung desperately to this saying. Tears flowed as I tucked this into my heart and prayed that God would continue to walk with me & guide me as I struggled with raising a child who seemed determined to defy me at every turn, who lacked impulse control, and no discipline was working. I honestly wondered at the end of those hard days, does he know how much I love him, when I've been so frustrated and upset with him all day? Now, almost two years later, through challenges and trials, God has been showing me that ... absolutely, yes. I am the perfect mother for my children.

Dear mommas in the midst of the hard days with your strong willed children, hold tight to this. Cling to this. I promise, again, there will be a day when you see all your hard work and desperate prayers being answered.

"This is your life - and you - you are the perfect mother for those children. God knew when he blessed those kids to you."

*I want you to know there are still times that are hard when boundaries are tested and defiance is rampant. The most recent was the transition from end of school to summer. Yeesh. That was fun.*

Faith To Rest Part 2

It is an interesting thing when you ask God for something & He says "ok, here you go".  I knew faith to rest would be a big part of my life this year - it was a feeling that God put on my heart.  It meant giving up control and trying to figure out what would happen this coming year. Nothing has been working out the way I wanted it to. NOTHING. Which of course, is exactly how God works.

I mentioned that I was deciding where to put my oldest in kindergarten.  Two things happened. One, there was an academic summer program that would further prepare him for kindergarten, taught by his current teacher whom he loves and adores.  I missed the deadline. No academic summer program. Second, my husband and I decided to transfer him from the school he "has" to attend to another school.  You guessed it - missed that deadline as well.  Now we have to wait until school starts to find out where he's going (I still turned the form in, just in case). In the midst of frustration and feelings of failure, I was reminded that the only thing I can do is pray. Pray that whatever school he goes to, he's blessed with a fantastic kindergarten teacher.  God is in control, I'm not (clearly, as I missed two important deadlines).

Another thing that happened which God is using as faith to rest is I became pregnant again. What a blessing! I was not anticipating this to happen so soon, as it took a year to get pregnant again after my first miscarriage.  The first thing I did after seeing the positive pregnancy test was to look up when my third trimester is.  August is the start of the third trimester. God, you are really really really teaching me to rely on you. Why does it matter when the third trimester is, you ask? I learned in my first pregnancy that I faint in the third trimester. I fainted while driving to my doctor appointment & crashed my car. After that, it was a unanimous decision that I would not drive in the third trimester in future pregnancies . (Yes, I also fainted in the third trimester in my second pregnancy). School starts in August -- my oldest will be in kindergarten and my youngest will be in preschool, and I cannot drive them. {I am ever thankful for my parents who will be helping me out with taking the boys to school!}  For me, pregnancy doesn't affect just me - it affects my entire family. From laying on the couch in the first trimester because of "morning" (all day) sickness {doing the bare minimum to ensure my boys are fed & safe}, to not driving in the third trimester, this momma has zero control over her life. 

Faith to rest. Trusting in God, working on not beating myself up with guilt, and giving up the silly idea that I am in control. No clue where my child is going to kindergarten? Pray. Knowing that my family has to go above and beyond to help out during my pregnancy? Pray, pray, and pray some more that God sustains them through this time. 

What is your faith to rest? Is God using things in your life to show you what He is going to do in order for you to practice faith to rest?

Faith To Rest

When I heard "faith to rest" my first thoughts were: Rest? I have two active boys at home. Rest? I feel guilty if I sit down and there's a pile of laundry behind me. {I admit I have gotten pretty good at ignoring the pile of laundry that needs to be folded}. Rest? There are moms in GUM having babies. There's CareCalendars to set up & meals to make! Rest? It's impossible.

I knew that it was not just about physically resting. I knew there was more to it, but I admit that is what I was focusing on.  My sister in law put it in perspective for me:

"sometimes 'rest' is not the same as doing nothing. or having free time. It's more like a state of being.  Finding ways to nourish your soul or being purposeful about the things you do do, so that you are not so spread out that you are not able to find rest in the middle of it all". 

One of the first steps I took to work on "faith to rest" was to start journaling again. I have not done it since my college years and I forgot how much I enjoy journaling. It should not have been a surprise since I have always been able to express myself best through writing.  Journaling is very raw, emotional and open for me - it forces me to deal with things I would much rather not deal with.  When I am praying (not journaling), it is easy for me to shift focus and not think about the things God places on my heart. When I journal, I cannot 'escape' that easily.  

A couple months ago I began to feel discontent and weary.  For months my husband and I had talked about the possibility of having a third child.  He said yes, I said "NO". Over time I would think one day "yes I'd love another" and other days {especially the hard days} "hahahaha ... another? yeah right! I can barely handle these two crazy boys that drive me up the wall".  We came to a point where we said "okay, we'll stop using birth control and see what happens".  To my surprise (yes, I was truly surprised) I got pregnant almost immediately.  I full on hit panic mode. No way, this cannot happen. I was not thinking I would get pregnant so quickly. I'm not ready. Then I miscarried. For the second time.  {My first miscarriage was between the boys}.  

After this happened, I became unsettled.  Through journaling, I realized that so much of my feeling unsettled was ... I have no clue what or when the next stage in our lives is. I like knowing what is ahead.  You go to school, get into college, meet the "right" guy, get married, have a family.  Nowhere did I plan for what has been happening over the past couple months.  Should we have another? Do I want to go through all this again? Where should our oldest go to school for kindergarten? Should I homeschool for maybe a year until we can move? We would love to move but can we afford it?  This house would be good for our family and it's in a great location, but is it the right house for us? --- Discontent. Unsettled.  Weary. Faith to rest was not happening for me. 

I was reading Jen Hatmaker's Out of The Spin Cycle and came across this. 

"We mentally live in tomorrow while simply managing today. We forget to relish the charms of the present, allowing them to be overshadowed by our daily challenges"

She goes on to use the verse Exodus 16:4 - The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. 

"As I watch my two boys growing up, I confess that I am waiting for the next stage. Not only in their lives, but mine as well. Heavenly Father, I pray that You help me to slow it down and enjoy the stage I am presently in. Enjoy my oldest who is almost 5 and my youngest who just turned 2. Enjoy where they are at, even on those difficult days {like potty training}. When I am constantly looking ahead and worrying about tomorrow, I am missing today. My soul has been weary for I have been looking ahead. I pray that this year I fully learn to rest in You".