GUM: Then & Now

As I reflect on GUM ending this year, it's also the end of a chapter for me.  My youngest is 2.5 years old and going to preschool in the fall.  As I drove away from church, there were tears as I thought back to when I started coming to GUM and how I'm "leaving" GUM. 

 I started attending GUM when my oldest was around 18 months. Previously I was serving in the nursery, and saw all these moms dropping off their kids who were around my child's age. Someone suggested that I actually join GUM instead of doing childcare, so I took that scary first step into a room full of women I only knew from seeing them drop off/pick up their children.  I knew no names, I only knew them by whomever their child was. Little did I know that taking that scary first step was exactly the step God planned for me to take. My oldest is a stubborn, spirited child and his toddler years were very trying years. I had no idea what I was doing (I still don't) and if it hadn't been for the community I found at GUM, I would have felt so desperate and lonely. GUM gave me a community of moms who were right in the trenches with me. They prayed for me and prayed for my child.

  As we were talking about answered prayers at the last meeting, I started getting emotional as I realized that the majority of people at my table have known me since I started GUM and all the struggles I went through with my oldest. A few of them had children the same ages as mine. Their first borns were the well behaved first born types :) I was the odd one out with the child who threw massive tantrums, who wouldn't stay still, didn't want to listen to me and was constantly running off. I often left park dates in tears as I carried my screaming child under my arm in a football hold b/c he would kick and hit me in order to get me to put him down. Despite that, I kept coming back. I never felt judged for being "that" mom. The mom who couldn't control her child and was just exhausted all the time b/c he was so spirited and challenging. The community I found at GUM was a safe place, a place where I could be honest about my parenting struggles and know that I was welcomed just as I was. Whether I had a good day or a bad day, when I felt like a mean mom who just yelled at my kid out of sheer frustration and helplessness, and when I felt like I was a great mom because my child was listening to me that day! They cheered me on when I had good days and encouraged me when I had bad days. There was not any "well I raise my child this way" talk. It was "You are the best mom for your child and we are supporting you".  As other moms came into GUM along the way, the feeling of being included stayed. As our families grew, we all were learning how to parent each of our children the way God so uniquely made them. Every time I came to GUM, I was reminded that we are all in this together. 

  GUM was one of the first places I said out loud "I think my child (oldest) has ADHD and we're going to have him tested for it". In the grand scheme of things and everything out there, ADHD is so minor. Yet for us, it was a big step. It meant so much to have the support we had as we went through that. I never heard "well he's all boy" or any of the other numerous things I hear when I say my child has ADHD. They said "ok, we'll pray for you & that this helps you figure out where to go from here".  As we closed out the last meeting, there was talk of how far my oldest has come and how he's matured and grown. It was also pointed out how much I've grown through raising this sweet boy of mine. I know that it was God's amazing plan for me to attend GUM hesitant and shy all those years ago, and I never dreamed I would have the friendships I do now. I thought I'd attend GUM for a year then say "peace out, I can't handle you guys". I was afraid of being judged and looked down upon. I felt that I would not be good enough and people would not want to be friends with me because of how spirited my child was. 

 Another aspect of GUM that stretched me and grew me was being surrounded by so many different personalities.  I admit there were times I wanted to be like so and so. I admired their mothering style, or I would admire their talents and lament that I did not have that talent. So and so is amazing at this and wow I really suck at it. They won't want to be my friend. I have always been aware (too aware) of my flaws. A lot of times it stopped me from trying to reach out and start a friendship. I am thankful that I crave connection, because that is what made me attend PSA and MNO.  Those things went beyond the normal table meeting to really connecting and getting to know other moms.  I spent a lot of time in the early years just listening to the others (ha, b/c that's so easy for me to do) when I wasn't running off after my children, and by doing that, I was getting to know them based on how they simply were. I never felt pressured to have to join in - I was simply included by being there. I saw women who loved the Lord, loved their family and each other. Over the years as I went from being shy and on the outskirts to not being shy and fully immersing myself in activities, I learned a lot about who I was. Not just as a mother, but as a person. I felt safe to be me - weird, rambling, funny, quirky me. There were times I would think "I am the biggest dork, why did I ever say that? Why did I do that? They won't like me anymore" but I was still welcomed and loved for who I was. 

I posted this before but I do love this excerpt b/c I do feel it describes GUM so well as far as personalities. 

In our little group of friends, the people we do community with on a daily basis, there's a crafty mom, a servant mom, a musical mom and a teacher mom. All of the areas that best define my weaknesses are represented in this group. That makes us a powerhouse. 

I could look at these women, each of whom is gifted at something totally different than me, and wish I could be more like them. I could spend my days wishing I could do a great job at reaching the hearts of my boys and be the fun mom. Or I could spend my days being thankful that God has surrounded me with friends who bring variety to my life. They fill my gaps, and that's an amazing gift from God. Why? Because we weren't meant to do life alone. God created us for community - created us to need each other to do life well. He created you that way too. 

We weren't created to be good at everything, but we're great at some things. So let's vow to let God use us effectively in those areas, and fill the gaps with His grace and good friends. 

Don't complicate your life by wishing you were someone else. Be good at who you are - who God made you to be. Know how God says you are, and trust Him to fill in the gaps. Let go of what you're not, and hold on to what you've got. 

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For the mamas do not consist of one type but of many amazingly different kinds. If every mama was crafty, who would organize? If every mama was the life of the party, who would bring meals to the sick? But as it is, God has arranged the mamas, each one of them, as He chose. And they are beautiful, and reflect His grace, when they know it, and walk out life together. 

- based off 1 Corinthians 12:14, 17-18

-- Hope For the Weary Mom, chapter 2, page 40-41

I would never have known and said "AMEN!" to the above writing if it had not been for GUM. My days of attending GUM every other Thursday are over :(  Thankfully and joyfully, I know that the friendships I have cultivated over the years there are NOT over. Ladies, sorry, but I'm keeping you in the trenches with me ;) 

Here I Am, Once Again

There are many times I sit down to write & decide that what I want to write is too honest, too vulnerable. The harder days of parenting. I'm afraid of criticism and "why would you feel that way?" comments. I want what I write to reach to others - to have other moms know that they are not alone. It could also be quite possible that I am the only one who feels this way. In any case, as I went through my morning I thought "this needs to be written about. If only for my own therapeutic purposes".


This morning was a crappy mom morning. We've all had the days where we're just done. Most of the time we 'blame' those days on our children's behavior. Been there done that. This morning ... it was ALL me. I was in a really awful mood. I woke up in a bad mood. I checked the calendar to see if it was PMS. Dang it, nope. Couldn't blame the hormones. My boys were not behaving badly, yet every little thing set me on edge.

I was annoyed when one of my boys didn't finish his breakfast & 5 minutes after I rinsed out his bowl, he asked for something to eat. I was annoyed when one of them took incentive to pour their own drink & spilled it, even though he cleaned it up without my asking. We went out to the store and they did well until the end where they were wrestling (when are they not wrestling?) - I was so distracted I hit the wrong button & cancelled the entire transaction. That annoyed me to no end. After we came home they were jumping all over me and I finally had enough. I yelled. I scared them and made them cry, which made me cry. Heavy, shuddering sobs.  I sent the older boys to another room, I put the toddler in his room. I went to my room and just sobbed. Where your heart is pounding and you are breathing rapidly. I berated myself for being a terrible mother. I wondered why I had been struggling for weeks to just get something done. To do the dishes, do the laundry, enjoy being with the boys. I cried because I felt so bad for my husband who was picking up the slack because I had several bad headaches/migraines this month that sent me to bed as soon as he got home from work or stole the family day we had planned. I cried from the exhaustion of a toddler who is so demanding yet independent all at once. He is so similar to his oldest brother I feel that since I have been through this before, I would have experience and patience. Experience, yes. Patience - not even close. I cried because I feel like I am failing my children, who have this mother that just does not know what the heck she is doing. I cried because I could hear the comments of well meaning people who love me, but they don't realize their comments are doing more harm than good. I tried to pray and reassure myself how loved I am by our Creator, how much He loves my boys and how He has picked me to be their mother, how He longs to give me grace on the hard days.  But you know what? sometimes ... sometimes praying doesn't work, as in you do not automatically feel better & move on with your day. Sometimes the only thing to do is cry it out. And believe me, it was not the last time I cried today.

I wrote a blog post - Stuck In The Doldrums - three years ago. I am right there again. I dislike being there. It is so encompassing and overwhelming. It's something that is so hard to get out of, until one day - you just do. When that day comes and the fog lifts, it's a beautiful day. I'm looking forward to that day. Maybe it'll coincide with the day my older two start school ;)

Here I am,
Once again
I pour out my heart
For I know that you hear
Every cry,
You are listening
No matter what state
My heart is in

You are faithful
To answer
With words that are true
And a hope that is real
As I feel
Your touch
You bring a freedom
To all that's within
In the safety of this place
I'm longing to...

Pour out my heart
To say that I love you
Pour out my heart
To say that I need you
Pour out my heart
To say that I'm thankful
Pour out my heart
To say that you're wonderful

Weariness & Hope

June 20th:

  Today was our first official day of summer. My oldest got out of school on the 9th, my middle was finishing up summer camp the next day & the following week was VBA. The next two weeks we have swim lessons.  Add that to my youngest getting sick & being up half the night the last three nights ... I'm tired.

I know myself - I knew I was going to get burnt out because I have been going nonstop. Due to this, I tried to plan ahead. I told myself I would get up at 5:30 - do my quiet time, unload the dishwasher  or run a load of laundry & generally just be awake when my boys got up. I started two weeks ago & I have managed to do this ... three times.

Sweet friends, it is the FIRST DAY OF SUMMER AND I AM DONE. I am weary. I am worn out. I declared loudly yesterday when I had all three boys hanging on me and clamoring for my attention, "I AM TOUCHED OUT!" For you mommas whose children have been on summer break longer than mine, I can only imagine that you are weary too.  {I feel that I should add we've been busy and there has yet to be a day at home where we all stay in pajamas, watch more tv than usual, laze around, all that kind of stuff. I'm sure I'll recharge if we ever get a day like that anytime soon}.

Knowing I would feel this way, I picked up a devotional called Hope for the Weary Mom Devotional. I looked up scripture for the weary mom. I found a prayer (literally called the Weary Mom prayer, from the devotional). I looked up blog posts that encouraged the weary mom. I wanted to have these resources on hand for the days when I am just ... done. When I notice my tone becoming sharper, my patience becoming thinner, and exhaustion kicking in around 3 pm.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

June 28th:

 I still remain touched out some days. I am still weary some days. I somehow manage to get up around 5:30 *most* every day (I have NO IDEA how I am doing this) Due to my youngest being 'quarantined' for over a week it gave us plenty of time to be home & my weary soul needed that.  At first I was panicked at how I would survive a whole week at home with little social interaction, but my mom came by, mother in law was here for a visit and my nephew was born, so I was able to fulfill that social part of me.

 Along with Hope for the Weary Mom devotional , I started reading the book Hope for the Weary Mom. There was a chapter in the book that, to me, was so incredibly freeing and helped me release some of the standards I hold myself to. I got so very excited and was chattering away about it to my husband and sweet man he is, tried to be interested but his mind was elsewhere in project mode. You see, he's a doer. I'm a relator. I will explain this later.

Chapter 2 of Hope for the Weary Mom is titled "When You're Caught in What You're Not".  We've all been there - looked at our weaknesses and compared them to someone else's strengths. This has been something I have struggled with for years. I felt like my weaknesses were just pointed out again and again, with nary any mention of my strengths. When I try to list my strengths, I come across as self deprecating.  Rarely can I say "I'm good at this and here's why". It's more of 'yeah I'm good at this but OH MAN I AM SO BAD at blah blah blah".

In this chapter, they talk about the introvert/extrovert aspects of the personality, but they add in relator/doer. My mother is a doer. She's fast and she gets things done.  If I need something, she's there and she dives in. My husband is a doer. He can stay home for the day while I'm out and when I come back, things are done. What the what?! It used to aggravate me to no end and make me feel like a failure that these two people clearly had something I did not. Why am I so bad at doing what they do - tackling things and just getting it done?

I notice all the doers in my friendships. The ones who just get it done. The moms who just seem to be on top of everything and aren't frantically texting another mom "is this today? I can't find my paper & forgot to put it on my calendar. WHAT IS TODAY!?" I see my weakness (not a doer), and their strength (a doer) and I berate myself for not being like them.  Surely I would be a better person if I was a doer. My house would be cleaner, I would tackle all the things on my to do list (instead of just writing a to do list so I felt like I was a doer - never mind that most of it never gets checked off). Ladies, I have spent years trying to be someone I am not. I have spent years trying to turn my weakness into my strength. I can't. It's not how God made me. I am simply NOT a doer.

In contrast, I am a relator. I would much rather talk than tackle the dishes in the sink. It drives my mom bonkers (sorry Mom) that I am seriously standing over a sink of dirty dishes, talking away and not even bothering to do them.  I crave relationships & relating to people. I stop in the middle of something if a quick text turns into a conversation. I love meeting up and connecting with friends, checking in with how they are doing. I love writing and reading. I tend to get emotionally invested in characters when I read books (which is why I hardly read anymore b/c I just can't put a book down and thus ignore my children while I'm reading). That is who God created me to be and I am slowly but surely learning that it is my strength. I cannot be someone I am not, no matter how hard I try.

This excerpt from the book reminded me of our lovely GUM group:

In our little group of friends, the people we do community with on a daily basis, there's a crafty mom, a servant mom, a musical mom and a teacher mom. All of the areas that best define my weaknesses are represented in this group. That makes us a powerhouse. 

I could look at these women, each of whom is gifted at something totally different than me, and wish I could be more like them. I could spend my days wishing I could do a great job at reaching the hearts of my boys and be the fun mom. Or I could spend my days being thankful that God has surrounded me with friends who bring variety to my life. They fill my gaps, and that's an amazing gift from God. Why? Because we weren't meant to do life alone. God created us for community - created us to need each other to do life well. He created you that way too. 

We weren't created to be good at everything, but we're great at some things. So let's vow to let God use us effectively in those areas, and fill the gaps with His grace and good friends. 

Don't complicate your life by wishing you were someone else. Be good at who you are - who God made you to be. Know how God says you are, and trust Him to fill in the gaps. Let go of what you're not, and hold on to what you've got. 

----------

For the mamas do not consist of one type but of many amazingly different kinds. If every mama was crafty, who would organize? If every mama was the life of the party, who would bring meals to the sick? But as it is, God has arranged the mamas, each one of them, as He chose. And they are beautiful, and reflect His grace, when they know it, and walk out life together. 

- based off 1 Corinthians 12:14, 17-18

-- Hope For the Weary Mom, chapter 2, page 40-41

My lovely GUM mamas, I pray that you take this to heart today. I pray that you are encouraged on your weary days & that God meets you in the mess. Grab this book, read it, hold the words close to your heart. I would love to talk about this book with you, and encourage you in what your strengths are.

Here are a few other resources of hope for our tired weary hearts :) 

5 Scriptures of Hope (click on link to open)

10 posts for the weary mom

Happy Reading!!

Hands Free

This post has been bouncing around in my head for a while.   I have not been wanting to write about it because it is a daily struggle and a painful struggle that God has me going through as I truly search what is going on within me.  When Mari talked about the one word resolution instead of multiple New Years resolution, "hands free" is what popped into my head. It may be two words (I am a rebel), but it means one thing.

A daily struggle I have with parenting is the need to escape. The more children I had, the more worse the struggle was. For years I felt so guilty that I needed to escape. What kind of parent was I that I would become short tempered and irritable over spending time with my children? The constant 'mom I need this, mom can you do this' and taking care of the youngest just overwhelms me, in addition to household chores, shuffling kids to/from activities, etc. I looked at other moms who just seemed to have a handle on it all, who loved spending time with their children and doing stuff with them. Taking my children out somewhere alone is totally doable. I'm usually quite frazzled by the end of it, but I can do it.

I got the iPhone when Jordan was 18 months old. That's my escape. Technology. When I need to shut down, but still be "present", I'm on my phone. I watch clips from The Tonight Show, I read articles, I go on Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram, play games. I basically tune out. It's been a hard and painful thing to make myself aware of.

One day, as I sat in my bedroom in tears, completely overwhelmed and feeling the ever so constant mom guilt, I finally realized why I struggle so much.  Ironically, the realization of it made me cry even more, because I felt like it sounded like an excuse. Please do not mishear me when I say why I struggle, because I am fully aware that we all struggle in our own ways. It took roughly 6 years to figure out why I seemed to have a much harder time than other moms, why I needed to shut down more often.  My hearing impairment, my deafness if you want to be politically correct, takes so much out of me. I work hard to hear things. I get run down more because it is just exhausting.  Sounds pathetic, but it is true. When I come home from church, GUM, HUB, or a group playdate, I am wiped. SO MUCH WORK to listen to all that was going on. I'm on overload. I want to shut down.

This has been said many times and it'll continue to be said - God made my boys loud because I need them to be loud. However, that does not mean that I hear all of what they say. My husband overheard my oldest say something quite unkind to my middle one, and my heart sank. How can I parent in that regard when I cannot overhear them talking? How often are unkind words being said? This realization hurt even more: how often am I on my phone, 'present' but essentially tuned out, when this happens? When I am physically right there, able to hear them, and this happens? Ouch. Gut wrenching realization.

I want to be hands free. I want to focus more on my children instead of tuning out on my phone when I get overwhelmed. It will not be easy and it'll be quite the journey. I will have to make a conscious effort every time to not turn to my phone. (and I get overwhelmed/shut down more than I care to admit). To be fully present and engaged with my children. It's one thing if I do not overhear something when I am busy doing a task in another room, but I am ashamed that it happens when I am sitting right there with them, but busy looking at my phone. I know other moms do it too - but other moms can still hear and process what is going on without having to look at their children. This is something God has put on my heart, for me & my family. I am stubborn. I know - I come across so sweet and kind ... but I am stubborn as a mule. I will stomp my feet like a child, pout and walk away when someone opposes me (okay, I only physically do that around my husband but in my mind I do it with others).   Same thing happens when God places something on my heart & I wrestle with it. I do not want to acknowledge it, I know I am struggling and need to fix it. I just don't want to and you can't make me. So there. Hmph.

As always, God times it all perfectly. He had Mari speak at GUM about the one word resolution. Hands Free. Popped into my head immediately. My heart hurt because I knew this was not going to be fun. I like fun. I like easy. I am tired of struggles. Alas, I need to put on my big girl pants and deal with this. As I sit here writing this, I have the printable I handed out last year - Give Yourself Grace - on my desk. This is going to be painful, it is going to be messy, but God is going to use it to draw me closer to Him, and to my family. Through it all, I will choose to give myself grace.  Hands free grace.

*If you would like to know what Mari talked about, here is a post from 3 years ago that roughly sums it up. New Year, One Word

Open Your Bible

I have always had a hard time with quiet time, devotionals and Bible studies. I tend to move from subject to subject quickly and will quite literally get up to go do whatever was on my mind. Example: I will sit down to do a study, realize I'm thirsty and get up to get a glass of water. While I'm in the kitchen I will think the dishes need to be done so I start doing that. Then halfway through I realized that I never returned to my original task. I got distracted. This became more common once I had my boys because children are extremely good at interruptions and distractions. I also tend to get bored when there's a lot of reading (I swear my attention span gets shorter as I get older) or the same point is being made again and again. If I have to really think about a question or I'm perplexed, I tend to want to put everything on pause and move on to something else.

When I am able to focus on what's in front of me, I start doubting myself, especially with Bible studies and other people giving their responses. "Oh wow, her handwriting is really pretty and looks great in the book. Yuck, mine is sloppy and now my Bible study looks messy. I can't keep writing in this, people are going to notice my messiness and that's not a good Bible study person". "Oh, that was a great answer. My answer is probably wrong and makes no sense. How do they get these answers? Are they really good at listening to God and He supplies them with the 'correct' response?" I went to a Christian high school & college. I had Bible classes and papers to write on verses, context, etc. I still struggle with having the right answer, instead of being okay with writing down what I got from a specific verse or passage.

I have been letting so many things stop me from really opening my Bible and learning God's Word. There's a quote by Renee Swope (Proverbs 31 ministries) that encouraged me to try again at having a quiet time and go through the Bible.

 I used to think being a godly woman meant getting up early to read my Bible and pray every morning.

The only problem is I don’t process thoughts or words early in the morning, so I’d beat myself up for being distracted and groggy. One day, God interrupted me with this thought: Renee, I made you. I know you are not a morning person. I know you like variety. I created you, so work with Me.

I felt like God was telling me to spend time with Him but not to put so much pressure on myself.

From that point on, my time with God has been more adventurous and enjoyable. Some days I sit with God and read or pray. Other days I go running and listen to my Bible on my iPod. Then I’ll pray and talk to God while I am walking back home.The point is I’m free now to spend time with God in ways that fit my personality, and I love it!
                                                               

 I loved this because I have always felt guilty for not having quiet time in the morning.  I would read a devotional from She Reads Truth or Proverbs 31 ministries on my phone before I got out of bed, but I am half asleep and not fully taking in or comprehending what I am reading. It became a check list item - "read devotional. check. I'm a good Christian". 

I found out that She Reads Truth was releasing a Bible study called Open Your Bible.  I ordered it, somewhat on a whim, and really liked what I was reading as I looked through it.  The writing style and how the authors have laid everything out makes this study enjoyable. I now look forward to doing a Bible study and I am opening my Bible. 

Now, I am not doing this study first thing in the morning. I am not even doing it every day. I have found that right now, in my current stage of life, three mornings a week is what I strive for. I drop Lucas off at preschool, put Noah down for a nap, get my coffee and do the study. It is the only time when there are no interruptions, I am wide awake and able to enjoy the study and having quiet time. 

The study is designed mostly as a group study, with four days of independent study. You may read that and inwardly grown "But I just don't have time". That was always what I thought too, especially since I tend to think of the Beth Moore studies.  Those studies - really good, but definitely time consuming. There is a lot of thinking involved with those and my poor brain just cannot handle that right now! 

Open Your Bible is short but still thought provoking. It is a great place to start if you are simply just wanting to dig into the Word and unsure of how to start. 

'Is the Bible really for me? Are you longing to hear from God, aching to know who He really is? The beautiful truth is this - we can encounter the living God today and every day in the pages of His Word. 

Whether you are a seasoned Bible reader or struggle to keep up with studying Scripture, Open Your Bible will leave you with a greater appreciation for the Word of God, a deeper understanding of its authority, and a stronger desire to know the Bible inside and out. 

The Bible is sufficient and true. God's word is for you and for now. '

-- back cover of Open Your Bible study 

If anyone is interested in doing this study with me, I would love to have you join me. This is not going to be a rigorous, you must do this or else study. The last thing I want is for anyone to feel "ugh. one more thing to add to my schedule when I am already so busy". I get that. I have been there. It is not enjoyable if it feels like an item to check off your to -do list. I want this to be a study that you genuinely want to do and look forward to it.  Think on this, pray about it.  Please let me know if you are interested. I promise, it will be relaxed and flexible. My goal is for this to be enjoyable, fun, getting into the Word and connecting with others.  With all the holiday craziness, this study will not be starting until January. (I do not have time for a group study right now y'all, just keeping it real!).  

Here is the link to look at Open Your Bible.  If you order this in the next week from this link (before December 1st) you get a free Open Your Bible companion notebook and free shipping along with the study.  Open Your Bible <-- click on this. 

It is also available on Amazon Prime - although it is currently out of stock at this time (November 23rd) and there is no free notebook from ordering through Amazon Prime ... I think. I ordered through Amazon Prime and I didn't get one :( You can still order it & it will be shipped when they have the study in stock again. 

Email, text me or send me a Facebook message to let me know if you'd like to join. I am looking forward to diving deeper into the Word & getting to know you ladies better!

What Would You Think ...

I have had this post swirling around in the back of my mind for a few weeks now.  I really enjoyed John Lynch's message when he spoke recently at COD & so much of it resonated with me. The honesty, the vulnerability.  I loved the poignancy of him saying there's a mountain of sin and we feel like Jesus is on the other side. Instead Jesus is right next to us, looking at that and saying "we'll work through that mountain of sin, one thing at a time, when you are ready".  (That's my gist of what he said, I tend to rearrange words that I think I hear) ;)

Are we ever really ready? I tend to shut things down quickly if I feel like things are getting too deep, or too close to home. If I feel myself getting emotional, I have the "talent" of zoning out and not fully listening to what is going on around me.  Admittedly, it can be easy to tune out since it requires so much work to follow a conversation to begin with.  As I listened to John Lynch's "what would you think" sentences, I thought ... what if? What if we allowed ourselves to do that? I have done it off and on throughout this blog, as I am a writer (meaning I love to write, I am by no means a professional writer) and it's how I process things. Try to get me to talk it all out in person and you'll hear me making jokes as soon as I feel the topic is getting too serious.

So. Here goes. My own what would you think statements.

What you think if I told you that I stay away from those who are "gaining" something I have really wanted? When trying to get pregnant with my second, I had to force myself to attend events where I knew I had pregnant friends who would attend.  I want so badly to be happy and in some regard I am, for those who are getting what I have wanted for so long, but it is still a battle, a struggle, to genuinely be happy for them without being bitter over it.

What would you think if I told you I feel stuck a lot.  Stuck in the doldrums. With three young children, life is ever changing, but it seems sometimes my circumstances overall do not change. It is not the monotony of the day in/day out stuff, but I find myself waiting and watching for bigger things.   I wrote this in January of 2014.

  I was reading Jen Hatmaker's Out of The Spin Cycle and came across this. 

"We mentally live in tomorrow while simply managing today. We forget to relish the charms of the present, allowing them to be overshadowed by our daily challenges"

She goes on to use the verse Exodus 16:4 - The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. 

"As I watch my two boys growing up, I confess that I am waiting for the next stage. Not only in their lives, but mine as well. Heavenly Father, I pray that You help me to slow it down and enjoy the stage I am presently in. Enjoy my oldest who is almost 5 and my youngest who just turned 2. Enjoy where they are at, even on those difficult days {like potty training}. When I am constantly looking ahead and worrying about tomorrow, I am missing today. My soul has been weary for I have been looking ahead. I pray that this year I fully learn to rest in You".  

This is a prayer I need to continue to pray, over a year later. I am still waiting for the next stage of what's to come. Not necessarily meaning what God has for me, but in my mind, my control - this is where I want to go next. Why is it not happening yet? I struggle with staying in the present, still. 

What would you think if I told you I have a temper. My oldest has the same temper as mine. We both lose it often. He loses it on his brother, I lose it on him. Many times we cry and then I hold him tight and pray for Jesus to help both of us with the anger in our hearts.  I am struggling to teach him how to control his temper when I have a hard time controlling my temper myself.

What would you think if I told you that when I am afraid God will answer "no" or "not right now" to a prayer, I don't want to pray about it. If I feel that He is going to force me to take a good look at my thoughts and actions about something, I won't pray about it. I am currently going through something now that God is slowly but surely pushing me to acknowledge and it is not easy. It means realizing that what I have wanted for the past 7 years, may in fact, not be what He wants for me. It breaks my heart and makes me mad. It makes me feel defeated and stirs up all the feelings I've been trying to ignore for 7 years.

What would you think if I told you that I get sick of "do unto others what you would like them to do for you" (or however that's phrased). I break down a little each time I reach out and am rejected. I struggle with treating others the way I want to be treated, then feeling ignored and wondering "does anyone even want to be my friend? I'm the friend that is just hovering around the edges of the circles, flitting around" I struggle with knowing that all I need is God, then hearing that He has created us to want to be loved and accepted by others. It's a constant - battle is not the right word, but a constant ping pong of emotions. He so deeply loves me and unconditionally accepts me, but He has also created me to want that from others. I am sure there is a deep theological meaning behind it all, but sometimes, a lot of the time,  - it just freaking hurts. I lick my wounds, pull my tail in and retreat for a while until I feel brave enough to venture out again.  I would like to think each time I grow closer in my walk with the Lord as He comforts me, but there are times I am just mad, hurt and sad and wonder "why?"

What would you think if I told you I see so many of my negative traits in my oldest and my heart breaks for him?  I see so many of his father's positive traits in him, and I'm jealous. My middle one has his own unique personality where my husband and I look at each other and say "where'd he come from?" He's a chatterbox though - that he definitely gets from me.

What would you think if I told you that I make self deprecating jokes to deflect being hurt or to keep others from joking first? I read once "if you make a joke about yourself first, it takes the fun out of it for the other person".  It is not as 'necessary' as it was in my youth, but I find myself doing it from time to time in uncomfortable situations.

What would you think if I told you I read Pastor Ed's blog post Loner Christians and realized - that's me. I am a loner Christian. I never formed true lasting friendships through the church. I was hurt deeply, my family switched churches a few times in my growing up years, and I never felt I had a "home" church. Sure, I participate in church and am a part of things, but if I feel hurt, if I feel like I was criticized or someone made a comment about my child, I withdraw. I have to force myself to attend sermons, HUB and GUM.  Before COD, if I was hurt by someone at church or if I felt like I was passed over, I just stopped going for a while.  

What are some of your "what would you think" statements? I am not asking you to post them here, but it's to get you thinking. What if, you opened yourself up and became more vulnerable? It's scary, and you may think you'll push people away, but I pray that you will be surprised and find that you are, in fact, accepted and loved within the community of COD.  I pray that your vulnerability will deepen your friendships, your relationship with your spouse and your children, and your relationship with Christ. 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10New English Translation (NET Bible)

9 But he said to me, “My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” So then, I will boast most gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may reside in me. 10 Therefore I am content with weaknesses, with insults, with troubles, with persecutions and difficulties for the sake of Christ, for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.

Tempers & Apologies

Tonight, I lost my temper. Just lost it. I yelled. I took stuff away. I used my "you better not mess with me" tone.  I repeatedly said "I am done! JUST DONE!".  I was almost in tears, I had a child in tears, and the baby was crying because of the pure chaos. {I was doing bedtime alone as my husband was gone. Otherwise, you can bet he would have set me straight & told me to go chill out}.

Anger. I forget it's a sin sometime. Human emotion. But when it rears it's ugly head, I am far too aware of how easy it is to anger and how hard it can be to calm down.  I grabbed my iPad and tried to zone out, tried to ignore the crying and feel justified in my anger. "He talked to back to me. He is being defiant. He is deliberately going against everything I say and I'm just not taking it anymore. He'll have to cry until he falls asleep because I cannot go back in there".

"Give him grace. Go to him".  NO NO NO. I'm mad, he's not behaving. It's been going on for several days and I AM DONE. "Go to him. Apologize. You know your behavior is wrong. You know you lost your temper and you need to let your guard down".  NO. Good gracious, let me be. Stop this, Holy Spirit. NO. I am the parent. He needs to know he was wrong. I will not tolerate his disrespect.
"He is just a boy. Your job is to guide him and instruct him, show Him the way to Me. He is learning and does not have control over his emotions. You do" grumble grumble grumble. {Don't you hate it when you are being put in your place? I sure do} This conversation between me and God goes on for a while. Every time I start to calm down, the child seemed to do something to make me mad all over again.  Or madder, since I never fully calmed down and repented of my anger. How hard is it to just stay in your room? My word! I was barking out the word 'no' for every request. Sadly yes, even the request to get a hug. I was simply not calming down.

Finally, my husband came home. He came home to me laying in the hallway playing on my iPad outside the bedrooms, ignoring crying children. I asked him to get the baby & rock him to sleep. I knew that he {the baby} would pick up on my tension and anger, as he had been the past hour, and he needed someone calm to get him to sleep.  After some time, I was calm. I prayed, asking for forgiveness, asked for wisdom in how to handle the situation.  I was trying to figure out how to lecture "lovingly". "Don't lecture. Don't try to talk to him about what you think he did wrong. Just apologize. Hug him. Give him grace".

I heaved a big sigh. Alright alright, grumble grumble. I walked into the bedroom, laid down besides my precious boy, and just wrapped my arms around him. I held him tight, whispered I am sorry. Told him I loved him. My actions were wrong. My words were wrong. It was not nice of Mommy to get mad the way she did. I said that I was asking Jesus to help me calm down and that I asked Him to forgive me for my sin, for being angry.  And oh, that sweet boy. He wrapped his arms around me, kissed my cheek and with that childlike innocence and forgiveness, said "It's okay Mom. I love you".

I wrote a post recently about being selfish and how having children made me realize how selfish I am. Having children also made me realize how stubborn I am, how hard it is for me to simply apologize and say I am sorry. My husband has always been quick to apologize and ask for forgiveness, whereas I would sit and stew for quite a while. Even if I did apologize, it was not heartfelt. It was "I know I should say I'm sorry, but I'm really not" type of apology.  The type of behavior you'd expect from a petulant teenager. Due to this, I do not make my boys apologize to each other if they are not truly apologetic. I know far well how easy it is to be forced to apologize, and how that carries over into the rest of life. I want them to have real apologies, not forced ones because Mom & Dad demanded it.

One of the greatest gifts of having children, to me, was learning how important it is to apologize. How to be truly contrite and know that it is okay, good even, to let your children know you are human and make mistakes. To teach them that it is by God's grace that we are called His children.  I am thankful for that oh so wonderful spirited child of mine whom God has been using to knock me down a few (dozen) pegs and to truly repent, to mess up big time, and still be able to go and apologize to him.  To show my children through my own messed up attitude and mistakes, that I cannot do this on my own. To point them to Christ, to the One who can do all things through us, if only we let Him. I am learning, always learning, to apologize. Daily. When it's a clash of wills, I have a very hard time backing down. I have a hard time giving grace.

This is not a "how to parent" post, because clearly, I am not a model parent! This is a mom, who is stubborn, selfish, hard headed and at times, hard hearted.  By God's amazing AMAZING grace, I am blessed beyond measure with my children, and He is using them to teach me how much I need Him, day by day.

 I hear the Savior say

Thy strength indeed is small

Child of weakness....watch and pray

Find in me....thine all in all

Chorus:

Jesus paid it all

All to Him I owe

Sin hath left a crimson stain

He washed it white as snow

Lord, now indeed I find

Thy power and Thine alone

Can change the leper's spots

And melt the heart of stone

For nothing good have I

Whereby Thy grace to claim

I'll wash my garments white

In the blood of Calvary's Lamb

And when before thy throne

I stand in Him complete

Jesus died my soul to save

My lips shall still repeat 

Lean On Me

I have a secret to share. Maybe it is not so secret because I am sure I've shared it before.

I am incredibly selfish. 

Things got crazy here lately (crazier, I should say) and I got into a funk. Life was busy and I could not keep on top of things at home. When I was home, I just crashed. I did the bare minimum.  I would get frustrated at the fact that I was constantly needed. I just want to read a book, I want to watch a tv show, or just ... sit, without someone needing something.

One afternoon, I was exhausted and the baby wouldn't settle down, the older boys were fighting and I was done. Depleted. I found myself looking at the clock every five minutes to see when my husband would be home. As so often happens, I started crying (it's how I roll when I reach the end of my rope) while I was trying to rock the baby to sleep (he's crying, banging his tiny hands on my chest and trying to fling himself out of my arms), and my husband comes home in the midst of it.  He poked his head in the dark room and said hi, while the older boys ran up to him, demanding his attention.  I wanted so badly to hand over the baby and disappear into my room. So badly. I wanted to take a breather and be alone to regroup.  I started to get mad that my husband had not noticed how I felt. How dare he not come in and take the baby so I could take a break? Doesn't he know how hard my day has been? Doesn't he know how worn out I am?

In the midst of it, I look out in the hallway and I see my husband. Work has been busy and stressful, he's been working late to finish things, and he's also worn down.  I see him as he plays with the older boys, giving them his attention when he too just wants to disappear for a few minutes.  As I watched him, there was this quiet whisper in my heart. "Lean on Me. Lean on Me when things get rough, when you need a breather.  I am the one who will sustain you and keep you going. Lean on Me".  As I continued to rock the baby (thankfully, he had settled down & fell asleep) I started thinking about how selfish I was.  I was letting myself be run down because I was not only depending on myself, but on my husband. I disregarded how he was feeling, how busy work had been for him. I was "dumping" the boys on him when he got home, not giving him a chance to take a breather before I started complaining how I felt.

Have you and your husband ever burnt out at the same time? It's not pretty. It makes for hurt feelings and harsh words. It makes for raw emotions. You are both coming from the same place (but yet different) and neither is willing to set aside their feelings to give the other what is needed.

This was going on that day that I was getting upset over my husband not helping me the way I felt he needed to help me.  We were both burnt out and struggling. That whisper in my heart "lean on Me" forced me to look at my selfish thoughts and actions. I needed to lay my burdens down at the feet of the One who can carry them. I needed to get back into a devotional, get in the Word.  I needed to show my husband grace, show him understanding.  Here's the thing - backing down, giving up how I felt to better serve my husband ... not easy. I fought it.  I dug my stubborn heels in and complained. Each time, God just kept saying - Lean on Me. Tell Me your worries, your complaints, your emotions. Give them to Me, then go and serve your husband.

It took time. As my attitude changed, I noticed that communication between myself and my husband was improving. We slowly started to emerge from that burned out state we were in, doing things together and with our children.  I am learning to stop relying on myself or my husband so much. I am working on continually bring my emotions, thoughts and prayers before the Lord instead of putting so much pressure on myself to do it all, thus putting pressure on my husband when I felt like I was failing.

Proverbs 14:1

Every wise woman builds her household, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands

When those days are hard and my selfishness seems overwhelming, I need to bring it to You. I need to remember that this is a season. It is a season to train them, love on them, and guide them to You. It is a season that is not always easy and it can be overwhelming. When they struggle, I struggle. I look to myself and blame myself. I need to bring more to You in prayer instead of thinking I can just get through it if I figure it out.  I do not want to be the foolish woman who tears down my house. I pray that I make my home a welcoming place for my husband, even in the midst of the crazy days where nothing seems to have been done & dinner is late, with the baby crying and older kids fighting. I pray that we continue to work together and build each other up, that we support each other on the hard days and rejoice on the good days. Above all, I pray that each day brings me closer to You, to my husband and to my children.  I fall so many times in this walk of life, and each time You lift me up and show me the way to go. I know I will continue to fall, but I thank You for always being there to pick me up, refresh me, and set me back on the path to You. 

When I Want To Run Away

There are moments where I want to run away. Actually, I hate running, so it would be more like drive away. Just get in the car, drive to Target, wander aimlessly & two hours later walk out with a cart full of things that I had no intention of buying.

My parents took the older boys Thursday night - Saturday morning. It was very quiet around here. Noah throughly enjoyed the freedom of being on the floor kicking & cooing away with no fear of having his (loving) older brothers get on the ground with him, getting all up in his face & giving him toys he cannot play with.  It also worked out nicely because Noah had his 2 month check up, which meant shots. He's a trooper but he was cranky here & there. It was lovely to hold him without needing to put him down to tend to the older boys.

When I picked up the older boys, my middle one was not happy with me. He enjoyed his time at the grandparents, but he did not like that I did not pick him up when he thought I was going to get him. My oldest is used to it and loved that he stayed over at his grandparents for two whole nights, but he was a little too wound up.

As soon as I got home from picking the boys up, chaos erupted. My oldest dropped his backpack on the floor and did not respond well when I asked him to pick it up & put it where it belonged. He was sent to time out, which provoked a tantrum. My middle one was exhausted and hungry, so he was crying when I told him he had to wait before I got him food. The baby was crying because it was his feeding time.  I stood there in the hallway, with three children crying in different rooms, and thought "I can't do this. I want to run away. What was I thinking - having children, especially having a third? I am in no way equipped to handle this".  It was overwhelming to have all three needing me at the same time.  Battle plan: grab a snack for the middle one. Go talk to the oldest, he just needs me to hold him & reassure him I love him even when I am not happy with his behavior. The baby will be okay, and he won't remember I let him cry for a few more minutes.  Ready, set, go. And off I went.

Things had calmed down & I patted myself on the back for not running (driving) away and handling the situation. Then chaos again. As I was feeding the baby, I told my middle one to go to his room for his nap. My oldest now wanted a snack and I told him to wait.  Go to change baby & realize he needed not only a diaper change, but a bath as well.  Get bath set up and right as I'm about to get baby in bath, my middle one comes in to use the bathroom & go poop.  So I put down a crying baby, help the middle one in the bathroom, tell my oldest yet again he has to wait (as he's standing there next to me with a snack in hand). Get middle one back to bed, tell him I'll lay down with him just as soon as I finish with the baby. Pick up crying baby & give him his bath. Realize as I'm washing him that he really needs diaper rash cream.  Take him out of bath, put him down on the floor, hope he doesn't pee all over the place, and search for diaper rash cream. My oldest comes in again, snack in hand. He's getting frustrated (and I am as well) because I am not tending to his needs right at that moment. Get baby dressed and put him in swing, do the snack for my oldest, only to find out he doesn't want it as a snack now, he wants it for school on Monday, and could he have PB&J now. At this point, I just looked at him with exasperation.  Once more I thought "I can't do this." I left him eating his PB&J, and went to lay down with my middle one who was supposed to be taking a nap. I generally do not do this, but realized that after being away for two days, he just needed me.

When chaos is erupting around me, I feel inadequate and incapable. The feeling of being pulled in different directions and each chid having a different need that in that particular moment, only I can meet. That's when the enemy sneaks in & whispers "You are a failure. You cannot do this" He takes the chaos, that seems insurmountable but really is only a few minutes, and makes me doubt myself.

In those moments when I want to run (drive) away and escape, I need to instead stop & pray. I need to remember the words from this post How Do You Do It? (written over a year ago)

I need Him to help me trade my doing for His doing. 

I need His patience. 
I need His joy.
I need His love.

You know, I needed God when I had one and two children. But, I had all of this stuff - books and gear and Grannies and know-it-all voices and I had me. 

So I flailed about amidst all of that and tried to raise my children in the Land of I Can Do This. 

But, God has whittled away all of that other stuff. He's taught me that He loves my children more than I do, and He loves to hear my voice calling out to Him and letting Him fill me with strength and wisdom and love and joy for my children. I don't have it. But, He does. 

I just love that line -- "He's taught me that He loves my children more than I do, and He loves to hear my voice calling out to Him and letting Him fill me with strength and wisdom and love and joy for my children. I don't have it. But, He does."  

Friends, when you have these moments, call out to Him. Let Him fill you up and renew your spirits. Afterwards, call or text a friend. I did that earlier - there's something to be said for knowing that someone else has been right where you are, in that moment of chaos.  Then, go love on those children that are making you feel overwhelmed. 

I'm going to take my own advice & go join in on the game my boys are playing :) 

Proverbs 31:28

My dear friends,

  *I am not the greatest at encouragement in person, for I never know what to say. My thoughts are expressed best in writing so this is a letter of encouragement for you*

  It is the eve of kindergarten.  The precious baby boy/girl that made you a mother for the first time is now 5 years old & heading to kindergarten tomorrow.  Where has the time gone? These young children who have molded us and taught us what motherhood is. We've prayed for them, laughed with them, cried over them, and held them tenderly as they learned to navigate this world on their own. Tomorrow is yet another step of letting go.  Oh mommas, I don't know about you, but I find myself not ready for this momentous occasion!

  There are some of us who have quiet and sensitive children, others who have loud and exuberant children.  We each have our own worries and fears pertaining specifically to our child, and how they will handle kindergarten.  Take heart. You, my friend, have done a FANTASTIC job of raising your child! They are all so dear and have specific strengths that they will bring to kindergarten and the rest of their school years.  Our God is going before us, protecting their little hearts and soothing our momma hearts as we watch them walk into the classroom and grow up just a little bit more.  We may shed a tear or two {or a steady stream of tears}, bravely smile as they turn back to wave, and ask God once again, to watch over our precious child for us.

  Yesterday, as we were entering church, Jordan said "I like coming to church! My friends are there!".  Yes, while I do hope he starts to like coming to church because of learning about Jesus, I am also so happy that he loves his friends and is excited to see them each week. I love knowing that he is friends with awesome kids who have awesome parents who have done an awesome job of parenting.

{Everything is awesome, everything is cool when you're part of a team, everything is awesome when we're living our dream!}  

 I am blessed and thankful to be walking alongside you in this journey of motherhood, especially as we are navigating new terrain with our oldest ones.  I am thankful that our children are friends and will be growing up together.  I have been praying for you & your child today, as I will be praying tomorrow.  I cannot wait to see first day of school pictures & hear how the first day went!! 

  Much love, 

Stacy