Who I Am

There is a memory from fifth grade that has always stuck with me.  Our PE activity involved a relay or sprints or ... something to do with running.  Afterwards, a group of us were asked to stay back.  The group that was asked to stay back was being asked to be on the track team.  I remember the teacher saying "If anyone does not want to be on this team, you may leave".  I raised my hand, said I was not willing to be part of the team.  They asked me to reconsider, as I was the second fastest runner in the school.  Again I said no, and I went back to my class.  Not once have I regretted that decision.  You see, I ran fast simply because I hated running and wanted to be done with it.

The reason this memory is still with me is because it was one of the few times I was true to myself, to who I was. It was one of the few times I was not trying to be someone I wasn't just to please others.

Growing up, I wanted to be liked so badly. You know the friends you had that you were never quite sure who they were, because they seemed to be whomever they thought someone wanted them to be? That was me. It continued all the way through college, even into the first year of my marriage. My husband knew me well, but I was still trying to be who I thought he wanted me to be. A dear friend from college bluntly told me one day

"You and I started to become better friends when you stopped saying yes to everything, stood up for yourself and said no, and did not let yourself be a doormat that people stepped on".  

That one sentence changed so many things for me.  I was a better friend because I said no sometimes? I was a better friend because I stood up for myself? I did not have to be a people-pleaser to be someone's friend?  It was hard for me to wrap my head around after so many years of essentially trying to be someone else.  

As I grew in my relationship with my husband and my friends, I was becoming more confident in myself. Then I became a mother for the first time. It started all over again. I tried to be the mom I thought I should be and ignored my instincts on what I thought was best for me & my child.  My oldest was born 3 weeks early, he was tiny (just over 6 lbs), and we struggled with nursing. The comments started from the very beginning.  He's small, are you feeding him enough, is he on formula b/c that'll bulk him up, wake him every 3 hours at night to feed him, and on and on and on.  The confidence that was slowly building up was being stripped away with every "well meaning" piece of advice and comment.  Insecurity rose and I doubted everything about myself not only as a mother, but also who I really was.  For someone who wanted to be a mother her whole life and was good with kids, I was constantly feeling like I was told what a terrible job I was doing. It was harder as my son grew older and he was a little spitfire.

The same applied to my relationship with Christ - I was trying to be the good Christian, when I felt I was so far from it. There's a worship song from my high school or college days that talked about not needing everything right before coming to God. {If anyone knows the song I'm talking about - let me know! I know it's not Come, Now is the Time to Worship}  I thought I needed to have everything "right" in my life before I felt I could come to the throne & ask for what I wanted. For someone who felt like she was always being told what she was doing wrong, it was very hard to come before God and accept His mercy and grace.

It may seem silly to say that I fully started gaining a true sense of self at the age of 27, when I started attending COD and became involved with GUM.  {Cue the waterworks - thank you pregnancy hormones!}.  While I still was slipping back into being who I thought others wanted me to be, I was turning to God more and more in those times and asking Him for His strength to be who He created me to be.  I learned to be vulnerable and to start letting people in, to share my struggles with motherhood, and sharing about my walk with Christ. I learned that sometimes I had to say no to certain things in order to move forward to something else, as hard as it may be.  It's still not easy for me to say no (except to my boys when they ask for something else to eat, after their snack, for the millionth time as I am writing this).

The confidence of who I am in Christ is increasing, giving me the strength to say no when it is needed, to be secure in the friendships I have, to be the wife He called me to be for my husband, to be the best mother I can be for my children, the mother He has called me to be, and to let go of things that I cannot control.  It is not always easy - I have days where I want to shut down because I feel like I just cannot do it. A harsh word overhead from one child to another, a "well meaning" comment from someone, when I feel left out from an activity, when my children have to be disciplined more often because of their behavior, and sometimes, something as simple as dinner not turning out the way I wanted it to. Thankfully, His mercies are new every morning and I am reminded that I am His.

Your mercies are new every morning

So let me wake with the dawn

When the music is through or so it seems to be

Then let me sing a new song, old things gone

Every day it's true, You make all Your mercies new

-- Mercies New, Nichole Nordeman 

Strong Willed Children

As I read Amie's post the other day - Train Up A Child - my heart went out to all the moms who have those wonderfully strong willed children. My heart goes out to them because I am a mom of a wonderfully strong willed child! If you have been at my GUM table or been a part of my HUB group, I have shared the struggles of raising my oldest, and you will also know how sensitive I can be when we go through hard times with him.

Currently, we are on the 'other end' and seeing the reward and results of those hard years of parenting our strong willed child. {this is an ongoing parenting challenge, I'm illustrating that we are seeing the rewards and realizing that we must have done something right, with God's guidance!}  It started at 18 months and I was not seeing any progress or encouragement until around 4 1/2 years old (he's 5 now).

Those 'early' years were hard and full of desperate prayers.  I read parenting books - Dare To Discipline, Creative Correction, The Strong Willed Child, and Bringing Up Boys. Each book left me discouraged and wondering why I was still struggling with my child.  People gave me advice on what worked for their children and surprise, what worked for their children was not working for mine! Many times, too many to count, I left a play date, the park, store, church, you name it with tears streaming down my face because my child was not behaving. Was it embarrassing? Yes. Did I take it personally and berate myself, telling myself it was my fault? Absolutely. I felt like a terrible mother who had no control over her stubborn, strong willed, energetic child, and surely everyone must think the exact same thing. I felt judged and became defensive.

I am not here to give advice. I am not here to placate you. I am here to say "There will be a day, someday, when you realize that your strong willed child is maturing and making better choices. You will look back & see that the battles have lessened.  You may cry out of the sheer wonder that God has been answering those desperate prayers, even when you could not see it."

Almost two years ago, I posted my first blog for GUM. Two years ago, I clung desperately to this saying. Tears flowed as I tucked this into my heart and prayed that God would continue to walk with me & guide me as I struggled with raising a child who seemed determined to defy me at every turn, who lacked impulse control, and no discipline was working. I honestly wondered at the end of those hard days, does he know how much I love him, when I've been so frustrated and upset with him all day? Now, almost two years later, through challenges and trials, God has been showing me that ... absolutely, yes. I am the perfect mother for my children.

Dear mommas in the midst of the hard days with your strong willed children, hold tight to this. Cling to this. I promise, again, there will be a day when you see all your hard work and desperate prayers being answered.

"This is your life - and you - you are the perfect mother for those children. God knew when he blessed those kids to you."

*I want you to know there are still times that are hard when boundaries are tested and defiance is rampant. The most recent was the transition from end of school to summer. Yeesh. That was fun.*

Faith To Rest Part 2

It is an interesting thing when you ask God for something & He says "ok, here you go".  I knew faith to rest would be a big part of my life this year - it was a feeling that God put on my heart.  It meant giving up control and trying to figure out what would happen this coming year. Nothing has been working out the way I wanted it to. NOTHING. Which of course, is exactly how God works.

I mentioned that I was deciding where to put my oldest in kindergarten.  Two things happened. One, there was an academic summer program that would further prepare him for kindergarten, taught by his current teacher whom he loves and adores.  I missed the deadline. No academic summer program. Second, my husband and I decided to transfer him from the school he "has" to attend to another school.  You guessed it - missed that deadline as well.  Now we have to wait until school starts to find out where he's going (I still turned the form in, just in case). In the midst of frustration and feelings of failure, I was reminded that the only thing I can do is pray. Pray that whatever school he goes to, he's blessed with a fantastic kindergarten teacher.  God is in control, I'm not (clearly, as I missed two important deadlines).

Another thing that happened which God is using as faith to rest is I became pregnant again. What a blessing! I was not anticipating this to happen so soon, as it took a year to get pregnant again after my first miscarriage.  The first thing I did after seeing the positive pregnancy test was to look up when my third trimester is.  August is the start of the third trimester. God, you are really really really teaching me to rely on you. Why does it matter when the third trimester is, you ask? I learned in my first pregnancy that I faint in the third trimester. I fainted while driving to my doctor appointment & crashed my car. After that, it was a unanimous decision that I would not drive in the third trimester in future pregnancies . (Yes, I also fainted in the third trimester in my second pregnancy). School starts in August -- my oldest will be in kindergarten and my youngest will be in preschool, and I cannot drive them. {I am ever thankful for my parents who will be helping me out with taking the boys to school!}  For me, pregnancy doesn't affect just me - it affects my entire family. From laying on the couch in the first trimester because of "morning" (all day) sickness {doing the bare minimum to ensure my boys are fed & safe}, to not driving in the third trimester, this momma has zero control over her life. 

Faith to rest. Trusting in God, working on not beating myself up with guilt, and giving up the silly idea that I am in control. No clue where my child is going to kindergarten? Pray. Knowing that my family has to go above and beyond to help out during my pregnancy? Pray, pray, and pray some more that God sustains them through this time. 

What is your faith to rest? Is God using things in your life to show you what He is going to do in order for you to practice faith to rest?

Faith To Rest

When I heard "faith to rest" my first thoughts were: Rest? I have two active boys at home. Rest? I feel guilty if I sit down and there's a pile of laundry behind me. {I admit I have gotten pretty good at ignoring the pile of laundry that needs to be folded}. Rest? There are moms in GUM having babies. There's CareCalendars to set up & meals to make! Rest? It's impossible.

I knew that it was not just about physically resting. I knew there was more to it, but I admit that is what I was focusing on.  My sister in law put it in perspective for me:

"sometimes 'rest' is not the same as doing nothing. or having free time. It's more like a state of being.  Finding ways to nourish your soul or being purposeful about the things you do do, so that you are not so spread out that you are not able to find rest in the middle of it all". 

One of the first steps I took to work on "faith to rest" was to start journaling again. I have not done it since my college years and I forgot how much I enjoy journaling. It should not have been a surprise since I have always been able to express myself best through writing.  Journaling is very raw, emotional and open for me - it forces me to deal with things I would much rather not deal with.  When I am praying (not journaling), it is easy for me to shift focus and not think about the things God places on my heart. When I journal, I cannot 'escape' that easily.  

A couple months ago I began to feel discontent and weary.  For months my husband and I had talked about the possibility of having a third child.  He said yes, I said "NO". Over time I would think one day "yes I'd love another" and other days {especially the hard days} "hahahaha ... another? yeah right! I can barely handle these two crazy boys that drive me up the wall".  We came to a point where we said "okay, we'll stop using birth control and see what happens".  To my surprise (yes, I was truly surprised) I got pregnant almost immediately.  I full on hit panic mode. No way, this cannot happen. I was not thinking I would get pregnant so quickly. I'm not ready. Then I miscarried. For the second time.  {My first miscarriage was between the boys}.  

After this happened, I became unsettled.  Through journaling, I realized that so much of my feeling unsettled was ... I have no clue what or when the next stage in our lives is. I like knowing what is ahead.  You go to school, get into college, meet the "right" guy, get married, have a family.  Nowhere did I plan for what has been happening over the past couple months.  Should we have another? Do I want to go through all this again? Where should our oldest go to school for kindergarten? Should I homeschool for maybe a year until we can move? We would love to move but can we afford it?  This house would be good for our family and it's in a great location, but is it the right house for us? --- Discontent. Unsettled.  Weary. Faith to rest was not happening for me. 

I was reading Jen Hatmaker's Out of The Spin Cycle and came across this. 

"We mentally live in tomorrow while simply managing today. We forget to relish the charms of the present, allowing them to be overshadowed by our daily challenges"

She goes on to use the verse Exodus 16:4 - The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. 

"As I watch my two boys growing up, I confess that I am waiting for the next stage. Not only in their lives, but mine as well. Heavenly Father, I pray that You help me to slow it down and enjoy the stage I am presently in. Enjoy my oldest who is almost 5 and my youngest who just turned 2. Enjoy where they are at, even on those difficult days {like potty training}. When I am constantly looking ahead and worrying about tomorrow, I am missing today. My soul has been weary for I have been looking ahead. I pray that this year I fully learn to rest in You".  

Holidays

It's only December 2nd and I am wiped out. Depleted, Exhausted, Run Down. November was a crazy month for me. I had family staying with us, I cooked & hosted two birthday dinners and Thanksgiving. You know what I learned in that crazy month of November?

Hospitality is not my gift. Nope, not at all. No way jose.  

Ok I already knew that, let's say I re-learned it. Hosting people, parties, holidays, etc stresses me out. When I'm asked why I do not throw big parties for my boys for their birthdays, my answer is always the same "I do not like it".  It turns me into a crazed control freak and makes me snappy ... and mean. I do also not like to cook for a lot of people. I can cook, but I am slow in the kitchen. So much pressure to have dinner ready at a certain time for others. When my husband's family stayed with us, I don't think I stopped cleaning the kitchen table & countertops.  When almost everyone got sick, my stress level rose & I ditched my 'it's green' cleaner (a gal can try) and grabbed the Clorox and bleach. Cleaning = control. If I can keep the kitchen clean, I'm in control. If I can make sure that the floor is crumb free & we are not crunching things beneath our feet, I'm in control.  Toys contained in the play area - check, we are not tripping over things, I'm in control.  It is hard for me when I have family staying with us. I love them and love spending time with them, but I do not relax. I think I spent one evening relaxing with the family & enjoying their company.  Just one.  {and let's face it, it also does not help that I had PMS and cried over the most ridiculous things like having someone else eat the leftovers I was planning on eating for lunch one day ... }

Ladies, do you know who I became? Say it out loud if you know it - I became Martha.  Now maybe Martha's gift was hospitality, I don't know, but I do know that she grumbled and complained.  Just as I did (probably more than Martha).  Just as she did not take the time to enjoy being with Jesus, I did not take the time to enjoy being with the people around me.  You can bet that if I was not relaxing and enjoying the people around me, I was not enjoying time with Jesus.  My time with Jesus was desperate pleas saying "I know I'm being this way, I know I need You to not be this way".  See the problem? I was not actually taking the time to be with Jesus & working on not being a crazed control freak. I just hurriedly prayed it as I moved on to the next thing.  

As I look towards the month of December, with one birthday dinner to go (and you can bet I'm not having Christmas at my house!), the advent season with all the activities to do with your children and those "perfect" Christmas decorations, I am learning from November.  {This is me, telling myself this and you, if you need to hear it} Slow it down. Enjoy. Relax. Spend time with Jesus, spend time with family and friends.  Have a nothing day and let some of the not so important rules slide. Be present with your children instead of running around making sure everything looks perfect or that the gifts are bought early and wrapped under the Christmas tree that may or may not be slightly titled that no one notices but you.  

I love this prayer I read from Martha Bailey's post - Holiday Martyr

Dear Father, only You and other women can understand the stress I feel during the holidays. I confess that some of it is self-induced because I have succumbed to culture’s view of Thanksgiving and Christmas instead of the real reason why I celebrate. May this holiday season not be defined by my meltdowns but by my ability to know and choose what is important.  Give me a friend who will help me know when I am being unrealistic in my aspirations. I don’t want to be a Holiday Martyr.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen. 

"Give me a friend who will help me know when I am being unrealistic in my aspirations."

Can we do that for each other this season?  Let's be the friend who says "it's all good. Your attempt to bake cookies failed when your little one dumped cinnamon all over the floor and your oldest one tried to turn on the mixer, sending cookie dough flying everywhere. It's okay. I'll laugh and cry with you over a cup of coffee (or a glass of wine).  The holidays are not about perfectly baked cookies made by perfectly behaved children. It's about loving Jesus, being thankful for Him and what He's done for us, and loving our family and friends, to the best of our ability".

Take What You Need

The theme of the women's retreat this year was Take What You Need.  Rest, Hope, Peace, Love, Faith, Strength, and so forth.  One of the challenges was "what do you need?" or "What do you think you need, but Jesus is telling you that you need something else?".

I stepped out of my comfort zone in attending the retreat. I also put walls up so I would just have a good time and not be emotional. "I'm good, I don't really need anything. Just time with friends & away from my chaotic life at home". One of the things I love about our Heavenly Father is that He meets you right where you are, no matter how determined you are to not be affected.  We had three great speakers and a wonderful worship leader.  Each speech left me convicted and determined, each song touched my heart.  By the end of the retreat, God met me & broke down my walls so I could truly receive what He wanted to teach me.

Amie did a great job of summing up the speeches we heard over the weekend on her blog.

Lindsay (Willmer) gave some great illustrations that were super helpful because I am a visual learner. It's easy for me to tune someone out accidentally and start thinking about something totally unrelated like something interesting someone else said earlier that day. It really helps me focus when speakers have pictures and props. 

Lindsay's theme was "let go and let God." She brought a bunch of stones and written on the stones were things that steal our focus from Jesus like fear, worry, money, relationships, to do lists, loneliness, housework, job stuff etc. She piled them in the hands of one volunteer. 

Use your imagination and picture those things written on these stones =)

She could barely hold them all. Then in another volunteer's hands, she placed just one stone and written on it was "Jesus." There is no room for Him when our hands are filled with all of those other stones. 

She had great suggestions to get rid of the "stones" that continued to steal our focus like placing verses in our pockets that we could look at throughout the day when we feel one of those other stones creeping up and taking over our thoughts. Also, simply saying to ourselves, "That thought is not from God, that's me talking" when we start thinking thoughts that are not healthy and really not helpful. She shared the example most moms can relate to. Having a pity party can really be distracting but so easy to do because as moms, we have so much to do and it never ends and we feel defeated and discouraged so much of the time.

But really taking charge of our thoughts and ending the damaging ones before they get the best of us is really the key. And obviously, it isn't something that happens overnight but eventually we will get better at putting those stones down and just holding onto the one that matters.

Lindsay also used this verse a few times to remind us that God intends so much more for our lives than pity parties and distracting stones. "I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." John 10:10. God has big plans for us but we have to "Yield and relinquish fully to God and rely on His power." (from Lindsay's notes)

The next speaker was Shelly (Schaller). Shelly gave me the best spiritual metaphor. Christ is our anchor. An anchor can be used in calm or rough waters. It is used in storms to keep the boat from capsizing. It is used in the harbor to keep the boat from drifting. 

After hearing from both ladies, it was hard to pinpoint exactly what was distracting me from being a one stone girl and keeping myself anchored to Christ.

To read more from Amie's post go to Stones & Anchors.  

What Amie (and I, as well) did was to write down the distractions in our lives and all the stones that we kept trying to hold onto.  For me, it was freeing in a way to see these thoughts written down and realizing what I was holding onto.  It enabled me to pray over it and lift all those distractions up to God. 

Another speaker this weekend was Barbara (Alley) who spoke on devotional/quiet time. Do you know how refreshing it is to hear "do your quiet time when you can, any time of the day".  I loved it! For years I felt guilty because I did not do well at getting up early in the morning & spending time with Jesus. It got worse when I had children because I would get so frustrated with the constant interruptions, because no matter what time I tried to get up in the morning my children decided to wake up at that time too!  I also loved hearing all the different ways and times women had their quiet times with Jesus. Life gets busy and guilt over not making that time to be with Jesus can overwhelm us.  I know that's the case for me. One of the ways I worship is just singing (in my head, sometimes out loud if no one is around) whatever song God has placed on my heart.  For someone who talks up a storm, I am not so good at talking up a storm to God. I tend to have very quick short prayers, but songs - man, I can sing the same song (or portion of a song) constantly as long as it's on my heart.  Quiet time is communicating with our Heavenly Father, however we do it, whenever we do it. 

When I started writing this blog, this stanza (line, verse?) was resonating. 

So take me as you find me 

All my fears and failures

Fill my life again

Take my stones. Instill in me again and again who I am in Christ. Let my thoughts be Your thoughts and not the thoughts of others. Be my anchor. Meet me where I am.  Fill my life again.

Leadership Team/Mentor Moms

Hi ladies! For those of you who are unable to attend GUM (overseas) or did not make it to the first meeting, here is the flyer that was passed out.

Elizabeth Gregorich

I have two boys.  Levi is 4 years, Silas is 21 months and baby # 3 due in January. GUM is a place I can be real about being a not so perfect mom, laugh about the funny things and pray about the tough things. I am encouraged in the role God has given me and blessed to share with other moms too.  I love being a wife and mom. I stay home with my boys.  I love this church and learning more about the Lord from His Word and fellowship with others. Sometimes I have to force myself to talk, because I’d much rather listen.  My husband makes me laugh.  He can be a goof sometimes. My children make me laugh.  When other people laugh really hard, it’s hard not to laugh with them.

Mari Higerd  

 I have 1 husband, Gabe, and 3 girls, Caroline (6) Annabelle (5) and Grace (3) with one baby on the way due in February! I've been part of a MOPS/moms group/GUM since Caroline was a baby and would intentionally throw up each time I dropped her off - true story. GUM has been my hands down favorite. I don't think I would have survived these 6 years of motherhood without the understanding ears, laughter, and good food :) I love all the moms in GUM and can't wait to get to know everyone even more. I can't remember what I used to do in my free time, but I'm a football fan (Go APU!) and a thrift store shopper.

Manda Robinson 

  

I have one child, Ezra, who is 2 ½ with baby #2 due in Nov.  GUM (for me) is a place that I can vent my insecurities about motherhood and get prayer and encouragement for them.  I love working part time as a Physician Assistant and balancing that with being a mom/wife.  I enjoy art (other people’s, not my own), organizing, baking cupcakes, and trying new things. Things that make me laugh are puns and my son’s dancing. 

Stacy Thompson 

I have two boys.  Jordan is 4 ½ years and Lucas is 22 months. GUM is where I am able to share the good, the bad & the ugly, and to know that I am not alone in this journey of motherhood.  It is a place of safety, honesty, advice, laughter, love, encouragement, and prayer.  I am thankful that we have mentor moms who have traveled this path before us & can guide us, listen to us and tell us “it may not seem like it now, but you’ll make it through the hard times”.  I love to read, get together with friends and family, go for walks, and bake.  My husband and my boys make me laugh every day.                  

                       

Amie Wagenbrenner 

I have two girls.  Mya is 4 years and Winter is 2½ years.  GUM keeps me sane.  When I get home from a morning with other moms, I feel refreshed and recharged.  It also helps me remember that I cannot do it on my own. I need Jesus.  I love to be around people. I hate staying at home which doesn’t make me a very good stay at home mom J I adore my girls and I feel so blessed to have married such an amazing man. I’m pretty easy going unless I’m driving or my house is a mess.  I love to sing and dance and I’m into health and fitness.  I’m a bit of a perfectionist.  I’m fairly neat and I don’t like knick knacks or chotchkies that clutter my house probably because I grew up in a super messy small home.  I tend to like sarcastic humor and burps and farts have always amused me.

Aileen Jones 

I have been married to my very funny husband for 36 years.  I have a son, 26 & a daughter 30, & a very new son-in-law,29!  GUM is my very favorite ministry.  I love everything about it, and often feel I get more out of it than the mamas! I am a mid-50's woman who loves God, my family and travel!  I am fascinated by people and love getting to know new people I meet!  I also enjoy gardening, exercise, baking and reading.  

Cindy Kinnoin

I have been married to my husband, Carl, for 28 years. We have three children: Jill, who is 25 and lives in Santa Rosa, Laura, who is 23 and is earning her teaching credential at Cal Poly and Zack, who is 20 and is a junior at Cal Poly Pomona. I attended a mom's group when my children were preschoolers. I couldn't wait to go. When I left the house, I didn't walk, I ran to moms! I needed the love, encouragement and community of other moms going through the same things I was. It was such a blessing and a lifeline for me. I am so looking forward to being a GUM mom mentor this year. I like to travel, garden, decorate and hang out with my twelve-year-old Boston Terrier, Chessie.

Kathie Speck

I have been married to Dave for 32 years.  We have two children.  Our daughter, Stacy (30), is married to David and has two children, Jordan and Lucas.  Our son, Kevin (28),  is married to Kristen.  Stacy and David attend COD and Kevin and Kristen attend Grace Church of Glendora.  I love to read and ride my horse, Comanche! I feel so privileged to be a mentor mom for GUM.  Being a mom of a pre-schooler can be both an amazing joy and overwhelming.  To see young mom’s interact with each other and to strengthen their walk with the Lord is a blessing.  Watching them laugh, cry, pray and draw                                                       closer together is a gift God has gives to us “old women”  Feeling                                                             blessed!

How Do You Do It?

If you have not read this post - read it. Go ahead, I'll wait. 

http://www.shortstopblog.com/2013/08/to-moms-of-one-or-two-children.html

What did you think? It was a breath of fresh air to me.  There are days when I feel overwhelmed and think to myself "Moms of multiple children {and by that I mean more than 2}, you are amazing". Moms of one and two, you are amazing too! As someone who wonders if I will ever get a handle on being a mom to two and {ouch} being told that I really can only handle two, this blog post truly spoke to me. My favorite line, the one that convicted me?

You know, I needed God when I had one and two children. But, I had all of this stuff - books and gear and Grannies and know-it-all voices and I had me. 

I have so often found that when I rely on myself ... things collapse around me. I measure myself by impossibly high standards, standards that I have imposed on myself.  It does not help when my failures are pointed out to me or when I get dirty looks in the grocery store because my child is having a tantrum.  

I can not tell you how many times I have walked out of a store or left a park because my child is simply not listening and then throws a tantrum when he is disciplined. Embarrassment turns to anger and anger turns to me reacting more harshly than needed.  There have been times I drove away with him screaming & kicking in the backseat with tears streaming down my face.  

I had me. I looked at my screaming tantrum throwing child and measured my worth of a mother by his behavior.  I looked at the toys scattered around my house and the dishes in the sink and I measured myself by the state of my house. I had me. My high standards and my doing.  

I need Him to help me trade my doing for His doing. 

I need His patience. 
I need His joy.
I need His love.

I love what she wrote above.  This needs to be read daily. I want to write it on a post it & stick it to my children's foreheads {only b/c I cannot read it if it's on my own forehead!} so that when I look at them and get frustrated or exasperated because I have me ... I am reminded. 

I need Him to help me trade my doing for His doing. 

Being a mother is not easy. It is hard no matter how many you have, no matter how experienced you are.  We cannot do it on our own.  We need God. We need each other. 

Stuck In The Doldrums

Tomorrow it will have been seven weeks since my oldest fell out of a second story hotel window.  We spent four weeks "taking it easy" at home.  Before he fell, he had preschool three mornings a week, church, AWANA, soccer and play dates.  I went from having a schedule to keep my very active child busy & burning off energy to ... nothing.  My days turned into full days at home with both boys, finding myself saying 'no' far more than I would have liked, and racking my brain to come up with creative ways to keep my oldest entertained while being limited in what he could do.  Throw a few other things in the mix and it wasn't long before I became stuck in the doldrums - a dull, listless, depressed mood; low spirits.

Have you ever felt this way? It's not something we talk about as mothers.  When we are out & about, we put on that 'mask' that everything is just fine! Oh sure, I said I was tired and things were not easy, but we're doing fine!  It took some time before I realized that I was stuck in the doldrums and I was not fine.  It frustrated me that I felt this way. I had just seen, once again, what an awesome & mighty God we have! I should be feeling elated, joyful, thankful, blessed. Instead I felt overwhelmed, exhausted, mentally, spiritually and physically depleted. My daily prayer was "Please let me get through today without shutting down.  Just give me the strength to do the dishes.  Do just one small load of laundry."  I would get the boys fed, clothed, etc, but the rest of it ... I felt so overwhelmed that even one small task was daunting.

Jen Hatmaker wrote this:

Here is the bummer about the doldrums: the very efforts needed to lift out are the same things you’ve lost energy for. The simplest remedies feel like weights drudged up from the bottom of the ocean. Your mind knows to do them, but your will refuses to cooperate. Which makes your mind furious and mired in shame, which makes your will dig its heels and wallow, which makes you realize you are turning on yourself, you are your own worst enemy. No one can oppress me like myself.

I am still working through it. Some days are better than others. There are days I sink right back into it and I am overwhelmed by everything.  I am learning to give myself grace and to know that this takes time.  It was so easy to cling to Christ when I was in crisis mode and with all that was going on, He was in control.  It's the big things that are somehow easier isn't it? The little things, like the aftermath of that big crisis, those are when it can become hard to keep pressing forward and holding fast to that promise that Jesus is with us. 

Christ suffered for us. He is suffering with us. Whether we deem it big or small, it is not for us to compare our suffering to others.  That takes our focus off of Christ and onto ourselves, it minimizes what He is working on in our hearts and our lives.  

In Christ alone my hope is found,

He is my light, my strength, my song;

this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,

firm through the fiercest drought and storm.

What heights of love, what depths of peace,

when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!

My Comforter, my All in All,

here in the love of Christ I stand.

Happy Mother's Day!

May 24, 2010

I was watching the movie Motherhood yesterday and in the movie, the mom has a chance to submit an essay on what motherhood means to her. This got me thinking, especially as I watched Jordan and thought about what it meant to be his mother. What does motherhood mean to me? Keep in mind, that my life as a mother has only been in existence for 14 1/2 months :)

Motherhood is complex and full of emotions. Motherhood is something that you will never fully understand yet at the same time, you will embrace it completely without hesitation. The fears you had before your child was born is replaced by the fears you have as your child grows into their own. You learn to step back and watch as the child you love so dearly learns to do things on their own, even when it means watching them step off the curb and face plant onto the asphalt parking lot (true story, happened today). Motherhood is full of joy and laughter, tears and heartache. The tears in the beginning when you felt so overwhelmed and unsure of how to take care of this precious little one that is utterly dependent on you. The joy in being a mother, when others delight in your child. The laughter that bubbles over when your child laughs with you, for a child's laughter is the most beautiful sound. The heartache in knowing that no matter how much you try, you cannot always protect them from being hurt. 

It's when a chubby little hand reaches for yours, in complete faith that you will guide them in the right way, and be by their side as they learn to navigate the world on their own. 

Motherhood means days where you just want to get in the car, drive who knows where , turn the windows down and blast some music. Then there are days when your little one squeals in delight when they see you and comes running into your arms to give you a hug. The smile on their face makes up for the days of teething, sleepless nights, spilled cups on the floor, tripping on toys everywhere you step, and massively poopy diapers.

Motherhood is a journey - it's not easy but it is by far the most rewarding journey I've ever partaken in.