Self Esteem for Toddlers & Preschoolers

A few weeks ago, Crystal Wigglesworth shared with us about Self-Esteem. Thanks Crystal for sharing so openly your personal story! Below are some notes she gave me to post here. This is really great stuff. It may take you a few minutes to read through it, but your children's self-esteem will blossom because you took the time to Grow Up Mom a little bit today.


Nurturing your toddler and preschooler's self-esteem.
Self-esteem comes from having a sense of belonging, believing that we're capable, and knowing our contributions are valued and worthwhile. The goal as a parent is to ensure that your child develops pride and self-respect — in themselves and in their cultural roots — as well as faith in their ability to handle life's challenges.

Give unconditional love. A child's self-esteem flourishes with the kind of no-strings-attached devotion that says, "I love you, no matter who you are or what you do." Your child benefits the most when you accept them for who they are regardless of their strengths, difficulties, temperament, or abilities. So lavish them with love. Give them plenty of cuddles, kisses, and pats on the shoulder. And don't forget to tell them how much you love them. When you do have to correct your child, make it clear that it's their behavior — not them — that's unacceptable. For instance, instead of saying, "You're naughty! Why can't you be good?" say, "Pushing isn't nice. It can hurt. Please don't push."

Pay attention. Carve out time to give your preschooler your undivided attention. That does wonders for your child's self-worth because it sends the message that you think they are important and valuable. It doesn't have to take a lot of time; it just means taking a moment just long enough to answer a question. Make eye contact so it's clear that you're really listening to what they are saying. When you're strapped for time, let your child know it without ignoring their needs.

Teach limits. Establish a few reasonable rules for your preschooler. For instance, if you tell your child they have to eat their snack in the kitchen; don't let them wander around the house with their snack the next day. Knowing that certain family rules are set in stone will help them feel more secure. It may take constant repetition on your part, but they will start to live by your expectations soon enough. Just be clear and consistent and show them that you trust them to do the right thing.

Support healthy risks. Encourage your child to explore something new, such as trying a different food, finding a best pal, or riding a bike. Though there's always the possibility of failure, without risk there's little opportunity for success. So let your child safely experiment, and resist the urge to intervene. For instance, try not to "rescue" them if they are showing mild frustration at figuring out a new toy. Even jumping in to say, "I'll do it" can foster dependence and diminish your child's confidence. You'll build his self-esteem by balancing your need to protect them with their need to tackle new tasks.

Let mistakes happen. The flip side, of course, of having choices and taking risks is that sometimes your child is bound to make mistakes. These are valuable lessons for your child's confidence. So if your child puts their plate too close to the edge of the table and it tips, encourage them to think about what they might do differently next time. That way their self-esteem won't sag and they will understand that it's okay to make mistakes sometimes. When you goof up yourself, admit it. Acknowledging and recovering from your mistakes sends a powerful message to your child — it makes it easier for your child to accept their own shortcomings.

Celebrate the positive. Everyone responds well to encouragement, so make an effort to acknowledge the good things your child does every day within their earshot. Be specific. Instead of saying "Good job," say, "Thank you for waiting so patiently in line." This will enhance their sense of accomplishment and self-worth and let them know exactly what they did right.

Listen well. If your child needs to talk, stop and listen to what they have to say. They need to know that their thoughts, feelings, desires, and opinions matter. Help them get comfortable with their emotions by labeling them. Say, "I understand you're sad because you have to say bye to your school pals." By accepting their emotions without judgment, you validate their feelings and show that you value what they have to say. If you share your own feelings ("I'm excited about going to the zoo"), they will gain confidence expressing their own.

Resist comparisons. Comments such as "Why can't you be more like your sister?" or "Why can't you be nice like your friend Tom?" will foster shame, envy, and competition. Even positive comparisons, such as "You're the best player" are potentially damaging because a child can find it hard to live up to this image. If you let your child know you appreciate them for the unique individual they are, they will be more likely to value themselves too.

Offer empathy. If your child compares themselves unfavorably to their siblings or peers ("Why can't I catch a ball like Sophia?"), show them empathy and then emphasize one of their strengths. For instance, say, "You're right. Sophia is good at catching. And you're good at painting pictures." This can help your child learn that we all have strengths and weaknesses, and that they don’t have to be perfect to feel good about themselves.

Provide encouragement. Every child needs the kind of support from loved ones that signals, "I believe in you. I see your effort. Keep going!" Encouragement means acknowledging progress — not just rewarding achievement. An example of this is; if your preschooler is struggling to fasten his snaps, say, "You're trying very hard and you almost have it!" instead of "Not like that. Let me do it."
There's a difference between praise and encouragement. One rewards the task while the other rewards the person ("You did it!" rather than "I'm proud of you!"). Praise can make a child feel that they are the only "good" if they do something perfectly. Encouragement, on the other hand, acknowledges the effort. "Tell me about your drawing. I see that you like purple" is more helpful than saying, "That's the most beautiful picture I've ever seen." Too much praise can sap self-esteem because it can create pressure to perform and set up a continual need for approval from others. So dole out the praise with caution and offer encouragement liberally; it will help your child grow up to feel good about themselves.