Stuck In The Doldrums

Tomorrow it will have been seven weeks since my oldest fell out of a second story hotel window.  We spent four weeks "taking it easy" at home.  Before he fell, he had preschool three mornings a week, church, AWANA, soccer and play dates.  I went from having a schedule to keep my very active child busy & burning off energy to ... nothing.  My days turned into full days at home with both boys, finding myself saying 'no' far more than I would have liked, and racking my brain to come up with creative ways to keep my oldest entertained while being limited in what he could do.  Throw a few other things in the mix and it wasn't long before I became stuck in the doldrums - a dull, listless, depressed mood; low spirits.

Have you ever felt this way? It's not something we talk about as mothers.  When we are out & about, we put on that 'mask' that everything is just fine! Oh sure, I said I was tired and things were not easy, but we're doing fine!  It took some time before I realized that I was stuck in the doldrums and I was not fine.  It frustrated me that I felt this way. I had just seen, once again, what an awesome & mighty God we have! I should be feeling elated, joyful, thankful, blessed. Instead I felt overwhelmed, exhausted, mentally, spiritually and physically depleted. My daily prayer was "Please let me get through today without shutting down.  Just give me the strength to do the dishes.  Do just one small load of laundry."  I would get the boys fed, clothed, etc, but the rest of it ... I felt so overwhelmed that even one small task was daunting.

Jen Hatmaker wrote this:

Here is the bummer about the doldrums: the very efforts needed to lift out are the same things you’ve lost energy for. The simplest remedies feel like weights drudged up from the bottom of the ocean. Your mind knows to do them, but your will refuses to cooperate. Which makes your mind furious and mired in shame, which makes your will dig its heels and wallow, which makes you realize you are turning on yourself, you are your own worst enemy. No one can oppress me like myself.

I am still working through it. Some days are better than others. There are days I sink right back into it and I am overwhelmed by everything.  I am learning to give myself grace and to know that this takes time.  It was so easy to cling to Christ when I was in crisis mode and with all that was going on, He was in control.  It's the big things that are somehow easier isn't it? The little things, like the aftermath of that big crisis, those are when it can become hard to keep pressing forward and holding fast to that promise that Jesus is with us. 

Christ suffered for us. He is suffering with us. Whether we deem it big or small, it is not for us to compare our suffering to others.  That takes our focus off of Christ and onto ourselves, it minimizes what He is working on in our hearts and our lives.  

In Christ alone my hope is found,

He is my light, my strength, my song;

this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,

firm through the fiercest drought and storm.

What heights of love, what depths of peace,

when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!

My Comforter, my All in All,

here in the love of Christ I stand.